What good is starting early on a presidential campaign if one cannot take time out from dictating policy to be a complete and total goof. You see, part of me is taking this quite seriously. I have no idea how a nearly complete unknown can possibly gain the big chair, but as far as I can tell, there are no laws preventing me from doing so. I'm a natural born citizen, been in residence of the U.S. for 14 years, and over the age of 35. My disabilities? Well, if I were completely incapacitated or unable to make an executive decision, then I could be removed from office and the Vice President would step up. But look at my posts on this subject. Do I seem incapable of doing the job?
Not yet...although looking at the responsibilities of the President, I wonder how I'll manage some of them. Like the State of the Union Address. I imagine myself turning into one of a variety of characters.
First, I could become a political suck-up. "My fellow Americans, I am here to report on the State of the Union, and things couldn't be better. That is, it's great for everyone except the 15% living in abject poverty, and they don't own televisions. As long as we keep lying to them, we'll stay in great shape. That my speech was written days in advance to suck up to the majority should be overlooked. I am being medicated by my true masters, and am reporting like a good puppet should." Uh huh. That'll happen.
Or I could come on television and be Mr. New York. "My fellow Americans...We are so fucked. The goons making up the whole of Congress are making every effort to stop every plan I have to make America a better place, mostly because they're a greedy bunch of jackasses. And so I am dipping into my own pocket to pay a large group of crackheads five dollars each to make the House and the Senate miserable places to work. Once they've gotten my message across to Congress, it's rehab for the whole group...Yes, that includes Congress."
Better yet, take the Captain Comedy route, and give the people at home something worth watching. I mean, let's face facts...most people are bored out of their skulls when they know the State of the Union is due. All of their favorite shows have been bumped, and tuning in to listen to the President requires adrenaline shots to stay awake. That's why I'll be ducking down behind the podium and address the nation via a sock puppet, using one silly voice or another. "My fellow Americans...Welcome to the President Rob Show!" Then I'll step up and sing a little song about the status of my Social Security reform, complete with Vegas dancing girls that will at least make it look like I'm dancing up a storm.
Now that would be great. The State of the Union will be made late at night, with the camera focused on strippers. Those at home that have tuned in will be thoroughly distracted, and I'll just spew nonsense for an hour. "My fellow Americans...We have been invaded by neon pink dinosaurs and aliens with bright yellow feathers that can only speak in Shakespearean verse. The artichokes have successfully killed everyone named Arty, and I've been running around the Presidential residence naked, pretending I'm a moose."
Then there's the task of negotiating treaties. "Play nice, or our satellites will start broadcasting 'Never Gonna Give You Up' into your country on a loop until you agree to my terms. That, or 'The Llama Song.' I haven't decided yet."
Yes, my faithful followers...evil has a new name!
Then there are some of the jokes I've been making with my buddy, Thanatos. "I don't wanna become President to help the masses. I'm just doing it to pick up chicks." In fact, for all females I deem attractive, I will be implementing a new dress code in the White House. All whom I deem "hot" will be required to wear bikinis. Trust me when I tell you it's "the will of the people."
There's also the annual checkup. The Press Secretary gets in front of the gathered media and reports on the President's current medical status. I can see it now as whoever becomes my PR Rep announces, "The President is thoroughly medicated and happy with bright shining things. He had a disco ball placed in the Oval Office, and he's been staring at it for over a week without sleep for the entire time."
Actually, on a serious note, I imagine my health improving while in office. The President doesn't sit in a clinic for hours, waiting his turn for that five-minute visit with the doctor. And instead of looking for a doctor, doctors will be looking for me, just so they can proudly say at dinner parties, "I got to check the President's urine today." No more running to the pharmacy late at night when I run out of syringes; there's probably an entire pharmacy somewhere in the White House.
And, of course, amidst all of the silliness in this post, I'm reminded of my screenplay once again, Anyone Can. When asked how he was going to increase the job market in the States...
GARY: Well, I’ve considered nuking all other nations into the Stone Age so that we’re the only people able to produce technology, but I was told that wouldn’t be...Ummm...What did you call it, John?
JOHN: Nice. It wouldn’t be nice.
GARY: Yeah, it wouldn’t be nice.
But all of this...is really me being silly. That's it. Sure, I find it amusing to think that I can order up a tank so I can take it to a drive-thru at McDonald's. Would I actually do it? Well, so far I'm rather big on the way the government wastes time and money. Do you honestly think I'd use government funds and military personnel for a prank? Do you think I would abuse the power just to get things I want? "Hello...Is this NCSoft? Good. This is the President of the United States. I'd like you to give me the next four years of game credit for City of Heroes because...well, I'm the President. That work for you? Good. Have a great day!"
No, this is starting to turn into the time I taught myself how to write a screenplay. Now that I have full-time Internet access, I won't have to run to the library all the time. Each and every post thus far where I've started mentioning changes I'd like to see happen has required me looking up a bit of data. Each bit of data makes me realize I have more reading to do. I haven't been talking about programming the time on a digital clock; these are complex systems of government, and believing in the changes I want to make and actually being able to make those changes may well be two very different things. So instead of learning how to write a screenplay, I'm learning how to help people on a national level. I may stand only the slimmest of chances at gaining the office. I am, most literally, a complete unknown to a majority of the masses.
How would I really use my power on a personal level? Well, if my Dad is still around, I'll probably move him into the Presidential residence, along with my step-mom. My brother, Stu, can also move in with my nephew and sister-in-law. According to current figures, the President earns $400,000 a year. Surely I can offer some support some family members with that money, as I won't have much to buy while I'm busy running the country. No rent or groceries to worry about, so I'm sure I could do at least that much.
I'll also be able to handle a few debts that have built over my lifetime. So many people have come to my aid in so many ways over the last few years. Without using government resources, I'd be able to start paying some of them back.
The fantasy...is that I be given four years to try and help on a grander scale than what I've been doing. Today, I lend an ear to a friend, stop a child from running off from parents, and hold a door open for someone on crutches. In four years, I'd like to find ways to stop the government from pissing away money, keep Americans from starving to death in their homes, or people dying homeless on the streets. Then give me four years to enact those changes. If those four years aren't enough, and the people see I'm truly making an effort, perhaps they will give me an additional four years to finish the job.
And here's the goofy part...I won't be running in the traditional manner. Look at me now. I don't have the money to tour the nation and make any of my points at a rally of any kind. Either I'll catch on via word of mouth over the net, or I won't. If I make it into office, my second term will be based solely on popular opinion. I will waste no money on commercials that tout my ideals while slinging mud at other candidates. Oh, I might do some touting if someone started throwing money at me, but they had best not expect anything in return, other than my vow to try and fix the broken parts of our nation. Sorry, but the only pocket I'll be in is that of the people, not some special interest group.