Friday, December 5, 2008

The DLE's Holiday List

Well, my faithful minions, Chanukah ("Hanukkah," according to my spell-check, which has apparently not consulted Jews on its spelling) is rapidly approaching, and your future Dread Lord Emperor wants stuff. Obviously, things that would eliminate my competition for the elections in 2012 would be nice. Shrink rays, freeze rays, death rays, pudding rays, ray rays...Whatever. Alas, the technology for those has yet to become publicly available. A robot army that obeys my every command might be nice as well, but I don't have room for them in my studio apartment.

Besides...Rumor has it I only use my powers here on Earth for good, so I guess I should maintain the illusion at the very least.

1. Last holiday season, someone armed me with money to not only treat myself well, but to also fulfill a dream. I wanted to head for the nearest mall, take some tags off the tree that has gifts needed by underprivileged kids, along with some of their wants. It felt really good to give, and I would love to do that again. I was even to buy diapers for a neighbor who had a toddler, and the family couldn't stay ahead of the baby's biological functions. Big old box of diapers, courtesy of one benevolent barbarian monk. Gods above and below, but it felt great to give more than I usually can!

2. Same wonderful person throwing money at me, I was able to buy new dishes last year. Well, thanks to Arizona water being a substance that is suspiciously something other than water, most of those dishes are ruined and gone. Another joy is losing control of my fingers mid-scrubbing, and the dishes fly. Scares Nike something fierce, and is lots of fun to clean up once she comes back to start sniffing at the shattered remains. I really wish there was a device that could translate English into Cat. That way, I can say, "Careful! You're gonna cut your paws," and she would hear the appropriate meowing to convey the warning. Anyway, I need dishes, and they can be bought at Wal-Mart. (More on Wal-Mart in a bit.)

3. Pots and pans. If you think my dishes are bad, you can imagine the cookware I've had for over four years. The only semi-functioning piece is the smallest pot, and it is so encrusted in limescale that heat causes lime-chips to end up in any water I try to boil. Some of the pots have...ummm...Well, the best word I can come up with is "stuff"...on them. Had a neighbor try to clean one of them, and she looked at me, baffled, and said, "Okay...What IS this on here?" No idea, but it's not coming off. Time to replace the pots and pans! (More Wal-Mart money?)

4. Shirts and socks. Of the clothing that takes the most abuse from me, shirts and socks suffer the greatest. I received a GitP shirt last holiday season. It was white. "Was" being the operative word. Thanks to the AZ heat, it is now a sweat-stained nightmare that I can only wear at home. Midnight Son, when he came to visit, bought me a package of socks. Well, just a few days ago, one pair became ruined by excessive bleeding. Left foot bleeds without me knowing, I cross my feet, and the right sock takes +5 stain damage. Such events are not uncommon, so I need clothes of this sort. (Even more Wal-Mart money?!?)

5. Okay, those things cover most of my immediate needs at the moment. Now for the things I just want. I'll start with the most basic desire, and that's money. Just throw money at me. I want to buy...whatever, and since I don't know exactly what I'd like right now, it would be nice to have money so that when I see something I want, I can just get it. (If all of my online friends sent me a mere $10, I might well be able to do exactly this.)

6. I want all seven seasons of The West Wing. Mind you, I've wanted this long before my recent posts. It's not exactly the best source for political information, anyway. I simply loved the show, and would like to be able to watch it over, and over, and over again. I believe the entire show can be bought for the low, low price of one billion dollars. Anyone with a spare billion should pick this up for me and e-mail me for my address.

7. Okay...Call me an utter and complete geek if you must, but I want The Civil War by Ken Burns. The entire DVD set. While we're on the topic of his films, I would also like The War, which covers WW II. These films are listed in the desire I'd like to have them, and each will also cost a billion dollars.

8. Friends who actually have a billion dollars.

That about covers it. Now, it would be nice if number 5 were possible. Heck, I could handle all of my needs and some of my desires by just having stacks of cash on hand. Alas, the world doesn't work like that. People aren't made of money, and someone begging online seems suspicious at the least. The thing is, if I were a scam artist, I'd be out there coming up with some more official site to separate people from their hard earned dollars. I'd take candy from children if I were that evil. I could also say, "Consider it all a campaign contribution."

I'm too freakin' honest for my own good.

So...Those who wish to...ummm...well, give to "the Better Bor Foundation" can e-mail me at, or PM me via GitP (where most of my minions lurk). Those under the age of 18 may also send a gift, as that's exactly what this would be. This is not like when my brother almost dies, and I was basically begging for money. However, those under 18 must first let their parents know they're sending me ANYTHING, and are limited to a mere $5. Anyone under 18 and sending me more than that will be visited in the night by ninja penguins that will kill you slowly.

The thing about sending cash to either my PayPal account or via snail mail becomes...fishy. "What's he really going to use the money for?" Want to limit my purchases? That's fine. Both Wal-Mart and Target are within an easy bus ride for me. Wal-Mart is actually a wee bit harder to get to, as it involves more walking, but the savings there is bigger than Target. Still, I know certain parties are against some of the practices at Wal-Mart, so I'm open to shopping at Target.

There's also another great shop that sells just about everything a nerd like me can want in terms of entertainment. It's a slightly longer bus ride, but Bookmans is only 15 to 20 minutes away. And, (happy-happy, joy-joy!) they sell gift certificates online! is the place to go if you just want to send me a gift certificate for me to buy toys.

Now, I hate posting things like this. "Gimme, gimme, gimme" is not exactly the message I want to convey. At the same time, "I'm so poor that I can't afford to pay attention." NO ONE is to sacrifice their well-being for my sake, nor should any minor start wanting to throw gifts at me. (If your parents are willing to send a gift my way on your behalf, so be it. But if I learn otherwise, I'm going to be royally ticked off!) Gift certificates are also a way for me to see the first item on my list is taken care of, as most items on those trees are available at Target and Wal-Mart.

I would also like to point out that I'm trying not to ask for much. Lot's of people giving a little would be nice, but it's usually only the few that can give at all. I literally am a charity case, and I'm guilting myself beyond belief for asking for stuff. Yeesh!

And now...Well, I think I'm going to go mope a bit. I came here in a celebratory mood, in the hopes of asking for a few gifts, and now I feel like I've been begging...again!

Being me sucks sometimes.

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