Monday, December 15, 2008

The Shoe Master Attacks!

Yes, my friends. The evil, vile, and...Hmmm...I seem to be stuck on specific letters...LIVE, Shoe Master has struck. After years of planning within his lair, waiting for the moment when he could unleash his villainy upon the world, opportunity finally knocked, and he was ready to answer. His victim? Governor George W. Bush.

Okay...So it wasn't exactly like when Lincoln was assassinated, and John Wilkes Booth leapt to the stage of the Ford's Theatre and shouted, "Sic semper tyrannis!" But Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi hurled a pair of shoes, one at a time, at GWB and shouted in Arabic, "This is a farewell kiss, you dog!"

The AP reports that it was a great day for shoes around the world.

A careful search on the net by yours truly has revealed that the Shoe Master was actually working on a "Shoe Gun" that would fire 10 Gucci pumps per second, but the weapon was rendered useless when his latest design was ruined by stiletto heels becoming caught up in the firing mechanism.

The Shoe Master, whose secret identity was that of a mild-mannered reporter for a metropolitan newspaper, discovered that time had run out for his grand scheme when it was announced Governor Bush was making a surprise visit to Baghdad. The Gucci Gun would have to wait to claim someone else as a victim. The Shoe Master would have to handle the attack manually, using cheap loafers.

Lacking the speed provided by his experimental technology, and no laser sighting, the loafers sailed across the room too slowly, and were barely on target. GWB proved to have excellent reflexes, and was able to dodge the footwear. This, according to the Shoe Master's journals, was not how the script was to play out. Almost nothing went right for the would-be villain.

(Translated from Arabic): I will see him pumped full of pumps! That American devil, who has brought so much strife to our nation, will truly get the boot when I see him next! Who would suspect a reporter with a bag full of Gucci footwear? Security will be tight, but they will surely find nothing suspicious in my television camera and a bag shoes. While the sycophantic masses of the press gather around, I will surreptitiously assemble my weapon of doom, take aim, and shout, "This is a farewell kiss, you dog!" Then, from across the room, I will kick him in the face repeatedly.

Oh, how I thrill to the idea of that monster quivering on the floor, giving that final whisper, "I am felled by the Shoe Master. Protect my family, for they will surely be next."

And he would be correct, for I am also working on a weapon that can fire cowboy boots that can strike a target at 300 yards with 100% accuracy.

As usual, this entry, as with all entries in his journal, ended with, Sandals are for sissies.

Muntadhar al-Zeidi was foiled not only by GWB's reflexes, but also by Fall-On-Top-Of-You-Man, Forcefully-Restraining-You-Man, and, oddly, What-The-Hell-Am-I-Doing?-Woman. (It's reported later that WTHAID-Woman was found defusing an exploding chipmunk she had planned on throwing at GWB, muttering, "That fool Shoe Master ruined everything!")

The Shoe Master is being held without bail, and faces life imprisonment for assault with a deadly loafer. This possible sentencing will likely be commuted, as al-Zeidi is being hailed as a hero across the Middle East. "Al-Zeidi is the man," said 42-year-old Jordanian businessman Samer Tabalat. "He did what Arab leaders failed to do." (That's an actual quote!) Indeed, many Arabian citizens agree that more footwear should have been thrown at GWB during his feigned Presidency of the last eight years. Even some Americans are in agreement. Said John Smith from Somewhere U.S.A., "I would have worn the same pair of underwear for a month, then thrown it at GWB at my earliest convenience...skid marks and all!" (NOT an actual quote.) As grotesque as such a sentiment is, it's shared by many.

It seems that virtually no one will be sad to see Governor Bush vacate the White House. Although the Republican Party may have been able to do some good for the United States, their party's leader could get lost in this blogger's tiny studio apartment. How The Shoe Master failed in his flimsy attack against the "Great American Clown" remains a mystery. It was, literally, dumb luck that GWB escaped unharmed.

No joke, GWB tried to put a positive spin on The Great Shoe Attack. "I don't know what the guy's cause is. But one thing's for certain. He caused you to ask me a question about it. I didn't feel the least bit threatened by it. These journalists here were very apologetic. They were...y'know, they were...said this is-this doesn't represent the Iraqi people. But th-that's what happens in f-free society. F...People try to draw attention to themselves. And so, I guess he was affected 'cause he caused you to say something about it." (Stammering included!) But...SHHHH! Don't tell GWB this, because it might hurt his feelings. Iraqi's use the throwing of their shoes at someone or something as their highest insult, and it does represent the sentiments of the Iraqi people. They've been throwing their shoes at symbols of Bush as recently as last week. That the press behaves themselves in his presence is probably because of their terror as to what would happen if they truly spoke their minds.

"That's what happens in a free society." Mein tuchas!


morbidwombat said...

So Arab leaders were supposed to...throw their shoes at Bush? I don't know where I've been, b/c I missed this story completely. To YouTube!

But seriously, I think you've played a bit too much CoH.

Someone named Rob said...

This isn't an effect of CoH. This is having grown up on comic books. CoH is a byproduct of that. In fact, during my gaming years, I made a group of villains solely based on things found at Dunkin Donuts. My friends thought there was nothing dangerous enough at DD to be used for a villain...until they met the dreaded Boston Creamer! Slipping, sliding, and suffocating commenced. >=P