Monday, January 12, 2009

Comedic break

Okay...So I have my political blog, and it's there that I discuss all of the serious issues I have with the government, the media's coverage of the government, and all things that are...governmental. Still, there are things I think about outside the blog that are related, but really should go there.

For example, I don't want to run as an "independent." Let's face facts; independents never win. I need a political party of some kind. Republicans...Democrats...These are the parties that represent what our democratic republic is all about. But I need something that appeals to the people. A party that says to the people, "I know what's in your hearts and minds, and I am with you!" Thus, I'm considering creating the "Pirate-Ninja-Robotic-Zombie Party." Raised from the dead, my staff of ninja-pirates will have cybernetic parts specifically designed to stop them from devouring the general public.

I know what you're thinking. "Bor, that's gonna cost you a lot of money!" Okay, I admit that's probably not what you were thinking at all, but it's what I was thinking. This is why instead of cash contributions, I'll be looking into advanced Erector Set technology, and ask my constituents to send me the toys themselves.

I'm also considering advanced Lego technology, though I'm not too sure how to attack the plastic to undead flesh. Maybe the answer is in super glue?

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In a discussion with my buddy Thanatos, it was suggested that all land battles be decided, not through physical conflict, but by getting world leaders at a table and have them play a game. The loser is to consider him/herself conquered, and surrender their entire country to the winner. Thanatos suggested Chess, and I insisted that it couldn't be a game of skill in any way. He then put in a bid for Poker, and I demanded it be simpler. I mean, there are skilled Poker players out there, and we can't have them using their pesky tricks in a fight for worldly control. No...When resolving a conflict, it will be done by playing the kid's card game, War.

Think historically of how things would be different if, say, during the American Civil War, if Jefferson Davis and Abraham Lincoln sat at a table with just a deck of cards and played War to settle their national differences. Imagine Jeff Davis having three of the four aces in his half of the deck. Who knows? The Confederate States of America might well be a reality today, and there wouldn't have been such a tragic loss of life.

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I'm going to have a problem when it comes to family values. I'm single. I have no kids (that I'm aware of) to hold before the cameras of the media and demonstrate what a good father I am. Of course, all that could change by the time I reach office. There are lots of women out there looking for a good man...or me.

It would be infinitely more helpful if I at least had a wife at my side. The pickings are kind of slim in my part of town, so I need to hop that bus and get to where the single females are hanging out. I'm thinking Tempe, which is wall-to-wall college chicks. They're legal, and they're alive. These qualities are considered pluses in the world.

The problem is that my pick-up lines need work.

"Hi. How would you like to be the future First Lady?" It's a bit presumptuous in terms of winning the election.

"I need a wife and children for my pending campaign for President. Wanna get married and breed?" My thought on this one is that it's a bit too forward in terms of an icebreaker.

"I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue." There are multiple problems with this. First, as an opening line, it just doesn't hold the same power as "Hello." Next, there are many women who probably wouldn't understand what such a talent implies; it's an "over-their-heads" kind of thing. Finally, while it's an impressing skill to have, it's also a lie; I cannot, in fact, tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.

You can see where I'm having problems, so I'd like to ask people send money, Erector Sets, and women.

Thanks.

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Finally, the influence of GitP plays heavily on my mind when contemplating the position of one of the most powerful leaders in the world. The denizens keep linking various things in the forums...links I follow, and end up investing time into memorizing the things I end up watching. Here are a few of those things:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcbazH6aE2g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDiDK_yBCw0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjMiDZIY1bM (Especially humorous since one of the nicknames for Rob is "Bob," which I've been called in the past.)

Now let me ask you...Are these the songs you want to have the country's leader singing aloud in the halls of the White House during slower moments of governing the land?

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Okay...I think I've done enough damage here. I'm off to use one of my holiday gifts and rob a bank or two in Paragon City. Be well, my faithful and, hopefully, amused followers.

1 comment:

morbidwombat said...

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NinjaPirateZombieRobot

Are you saying your staff will be literal ninja pirate robot zombies, or just that they will be made of awesome? And must everyone in the party be one or all of these? If it's any help, I'm a 7th level Fleshwarper, and I know a few Epic Pale Masters.

Do you really want matters of war decided by, well, War? It seems so…random. If we're gonna do things that way, we should make nations choose champions to play Calvinball. I understand not wanting armies to do horrific battle, but the Confederacy, really? Are you willing to risk something like that to a game?

If you have kids, the media will just hound them to craziness. But if you wait to get married in office or after, you'll probably always worry that that's why women are interested in you. (Also, you never /tell/ someone you can tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue, you just do it.) I have no decent females to send, so I'll send some advice instead: college chicks = bad idea.

Presidents aren't presidential all the time. If you wanna wander the halls of the White House rickrolling your staff, have at it.