Friday, January 16, 2009

Wake up! I'm wonderful!

As noted, my friend Julie is living with her boyfriend. They've chosen to not get married because they've been married before, and it seems those previous adventures turned into horror stories. While they remain as happy a couple as they can be, her man, Joe, is going through hell in the way of a custody battle for his son by another woman. I would love to tell you what this entire drama entails, but we don't have that kind of time. In a nutshell, it involves a crazy woman, physical abuse by her or her new boyfriend to the child, idiotic laws that favor mothers over fathers, and boatloads of other kinds of stupidity.

So Julie and Joe have been experiencing incredible amounts of stress, and have been holed up in their home, simply trying to remain happy in front of the kids, while also trying to come with this nonsense.

Along comes little old me, who calls Julie to just be my goofy self. And goofy I was, rambling on in various silly voices as I ranted about one thing or another. It was especially fun reading her my Media Morons post from my political blog; each time I read "the Cardinals won the playoff game," my voice became more and more hysterical with feigned excitement. This had Julie laughing so hard that she was almost in tears. It was after my silly tirades that she told me about the custody battle, and how she desperately needed a decent dose of humor to brighten her day. Thus, a speech was prompted...

"I don't get it. Every time you talk to me, you come away feeling a little better, because amidst all the goofiness, you know I care, and am willing to listen to whatever is going on. You know this. Yet for some strange reason, when things are at their worst, you manage not to call to help make yourself feel better. Damnit, Julie! When are you going to realize I'm wonderful?"

More laughter from Julie, because such displays of ego on my part are not all that serious. It's along the lines of telling her, "Y'know, if the world would just realize I'm right all the time, things would be a lot easier."

Then there's my lady friend, Rush, whom I once had the potential for romance, but bowed out of that particular race. She, too, has stressful incidents, especially since she's on a quest to find her true self, and is often wrapped up in dramas of her design. She would call, spend some time on the phone, and after hearing me tell some stories or make off-color jokes, she would feel better.

Alas, Rush got it into her head that she's bothering me when she calls, so she avoids picking up the phone and dialing me up. On the now rare occasions when I get to speak to her, she feels better after our chats. Again, I don't understand why she doesn't realize I'm wonderful. A little venting, a lot of laughter, and she could be feeling better. Does she call? Nope. The goofy woman thinks she's bothering me.


I don't really believe I'm G-d's gift to the world, but I know I can help my friends in times of crisis. It's how I've earned all the financial help I receive randomly.* If it takes a sick and twisted joke to make my friends laugh and feel better, I'll make that joke.

Want to know one of the sicker jokes that gets them giggling? It usually comes along when the chat has turned toward sex. I'm not one to delve into the details of my bedroom adventures, but making the occasional reference to get a laugh is always worth it. I may say something about an ex, like, "She could suck tennis balls through a tennis racket." But that's a standard joke. The one that inspires the most laughter is when I mention my one-legged ex, Robin. I never actually said this to her, but it creates warped images in people's heads when they imagine me looking down at the woman I loved and saying, "Ooh, baby...spread your leG." This joke is usually followed by me saying, "I'm a BAD man." And my friends...? Well, they tend to be on the fence about laughing at such a sick joke, and then cave because it really is funny in the end.

While some of you may be grimacing at the above, you must understand that this is the way I am. I know that laughter releases endorphins, and endorphins make people feel better physically and mentally. For the most part, I'm deemed an honorable guy, steering clear of taboo topics...but I'm willing to sacrifice some of that honor for the sake of helping a friend. In short, I only pretend to be evil, as it's fun for all.

And now, friends and readers, it's time for me to run. I have a toddler in the over, and if I don't baste it, it'll burn. (Insert evil grin here.)

Be well, all!

*By the way, it's time for me to make my monthly cry of, "HEEEEELP!" I have a mere $15 left in the bank, and $1 in my wallet. If anyone out there can lend me some kind of aid, it would be greatly appreciated. Those who don't know how they can help can e-mail me at .

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