I'm starting to think that I'm staring a psych hospitalization in the eyes. Given a moment where my mind isn't distracted, I find myself dwelling on the numerous things that are terrible in my life. And yesterday was a REALLY bad day on an emotional level.
As reported, I had a toenail removed on Monday. I was instructed to leave the dressing on it for two or three days before changing it. Well, I decided to play it safe and waited four days. No part of me wants to risk infection. The thing is, after experiencing nausea when I saw it Monday, I thought it safest to have someone around when I changed the bandage. With arthritis in my right foot and the pain of the removed toenail on the left, I limped to the neighbors I trusted to call for help if I had any kind of problem. They weren't home.
In short order, I found myself standing around, unsure of what to do. I have no one around to aid me in such matters. The loneliness I experienced was terrible, and the only thing I could think to do was just leave the bandage alone and find something that would occupy my mind.
Upon returning home, I played a computer game for a while, found myself still thinking too much, so I brought up www.hulu.com and watched the pilot episode of Firefly. So many people had made such a fuss over it that I thought it was time to see what the big deal was about. Unfortunately, as the episode came to a close, I realized I needed something from the dollar store. I could get what I needed at the market, but the dollar store is closer, and two bum feet dictate what I'm feeling up to doing.
It's a real adventure going outside my apartment once the sun has gone down. There are all kinds of characters that come out of the shadows around here, from prostitutes to drug dealers. Violence is also a common event around here, and I've been around for some scary events. We had a notorious double homicide occur in our parking lot within four months of my moving in.
What is normally a two-minute walk took five minutes going and five minutes coming back. I passed plenty of characters along the way, and found myself wishing one of them would do me serious harm. Get it out of the way for me. Because in that time during my shambling to the store, I was being consumed by loneliness. The only warm body I have to cuddle with is my cat, and Nike doesn't replace a woman. I also noticed I was in no mood to sing. I usually like to sing softly as I go from one place to another. My love of singing was made apparent when I was 10 years old and I made my first appearance on stage as Young Patrick Dennis in the musical Mame. Last night, I couldn't even bring myself to utter the most depressing tune inside my head, which would be "I've Loved These Days" by Billy Joel.
Things were made worse when I got to the store. The young man behind the counter, Julio, has all that I've dreamed of. He has a wide, a child, and regular employment. We had the following chat while I made my purchase...
Julio: Hey, how's it going, buddy?
*I made a depressed gesture of "I don't know"*
Julio: What's wrong?
Me: You want the truth or the happy lie?
Julio: The truth. Always the truth.
Me: Just coming to realize I'm never going to have the things I want in life.
Me: Like what you have. The wife, the kid, a job...I can't have those things.
Julio: Why not?
Me: Too many things wrong with me. Physical, mental, financial...I'm not a catch for any woman out there who's looking.
Julio: Ahhh, come on. You're a nice guy. I'm sure you can find someone out there.
Me: And that's just it. I'm a nice guy. Women don't want a nice guy. They want someone who can pay the bills, as well as someone who will beat them, cheat on them, or both.
Julio: It's not as bad as that.
Me: I have yet to see otherwise.
On that note, I left, dwelling on the fact that there seemed to be too much truth in what I said. Perhaps not in the "cheating and beating" part of what a woman wants, but the fact that women don't seem to want a nice guy with tons of physical and emotional problems. What's more, I started thinking about this coming July, when I'll turn 42. I've accomplished next to nothing that I wanted to when I was younger, and as the years continue to roll, I realize those dreams will probably never come true. By the time I'd shuffled to the driveway of my apartment complex, the tears had started to flow.
When I arrived home and I sat down in front of my computer, I also realized that I'd forgotten how to "fly." I know...It sounds strange, but there was once a time when I could imagine myself with the superhuman power of flight, and my fear of heights would kick in to make my heart race with a mix of excitement and terror. My imagination seems to have entered a comatose state, and I no longer write because of that.
Then came the surprise...I'd lost track of the date, and when I came online to check my various e-mail accounts, I found myself reminded that today is Valentine's Day. Suddenly the loneliness was like a crushing weight on my shoulders. Every site I went to seemed to be determined to remind me that I have no one special in my life, and probably won't.
When I was a movie theater usher in my late teens, there was a movie to hit theaters, Some Kind of Wonderful. Eric Stoltz has a line in it that became lodged in my brain, and has never been dislodged. "Once you stop believing there's someone out there for you, it's all over." My dreams are fading faster and faster, and one of them is someone who will love me for everything that I am.
For those who read this blog and care so much about me, you should know that I'm on the lookout for signs that I'm in the worst shape possible. I'm not there yet. I have learned to fight the symptoms of my depression instead of succumbing to them completely. I'll get help long before I try to do something foolish. Yes, I'm in a bad way...but I could be infinitely worse.