Thursday, March 5, 2009

Issues!

I...have...ISSUES!

First, I'm having a problem getting on to GitP. When I DO manage to get there, navigating the site turns into the page I'm becoming far too accustomed to: Site is not responding. "What do you mean the site is not responding?!? I was just there!!!" So to those readers that are wondering why Bor hasn't been around and isn't responding, it's because he's outside the site and banging on the virtual windows, shouting for someone to let him in.

Next, the 3rd of the month arrived, and I wasn't feeling up to making a long trip to the bank that day. I went next door to the market, as they've prepared a money order in the past with just my debit card, and I was told they no longer do that. This news came at 3:00 PM, about an hour before my bank closed. Thus, I had to make the trip to the bank on the 4th and add that $5 late fee because I was not well enough to make the bank run on the actual due date. Like I can spare the $5 to start with.

Monday, of course, was my follow-up visit with my PCP. I told him of my adventures at the emergency room. I seemed to have skipped some information here, so I'll share what I told him. "The CAT scan showed nothing. The X-ray shows something, but not my big toe, and the urine and blood samples they took also showed nothing."

Yes, dear readers...I received a call on Saturday by a follow-up nurse from the hospital to tell me that my fifth toe, AKA "pinkie toe," is showing something, but she was unable to tell me what. A couple of times she made mention of an old break in the bone, but I've never broken that toe as far as I know. When I mentioned this news to my PCP, the first thing he said was "Charcot's joint." I'm starting to think he has "Charcot's on the brain."

Meanwhile, to address the spasm in my back, he prescribed a muscle relaxer, which seems to help. Maybe I'm being a touch paranoid, but to address the possibility of a kidney issue that remains unseen on the CAT scan, I'm drinking cranberry juice to clean them out. (With the added bonus of plenty of vitamin C!) In fact, I bought a few food items to address my digestive tract, just in case. The scary part is that I practically need a finance plan in order to buy the healthier foods. I can see it now, walking into a bank..."Yes, I need a body loan. How much is my flesh worth, and what is the interest on the loan payments?" (It'd be rather upsetting if the loan officer said, "I'm sorry, Mr. Meadows, but your body is worthless. I recommend donating it to science and making it a tax write-off.")

While trying to juggle my own issues, I'm still getting calls from my truck-driving friend, Leroy. It seems that when he and his wife have an argument, I'm the guy he calls. I have chased people away when they come to me for relationship advice, but this guy seems to think I'm some kind of love guru. These calls turn into their own adventures.

Because he keeps altering the timeline a bit, Leroy knew his wife a year to two years before they were married. As he runs into ongoing problems, I often remind him, "It's not like you met in Vegas, had a wild weekend of passion, and then went to a drive-thru chapel to get married. Her behavior should not be a surprise to you." I feel like I'm Captain Obvious, and it has become my job to point out things he already knows, or should know.

The above is an example, but I have more. You see, how wife has been in several abusive relationships. It seems she's met one madman after another, some of whom have crippled her and her children emotionally. She has major trust issues, and they show in her behavior. Leroy, in turn, continues to try new methods of getting through to her...and a lot of them are negative in aspect. He tends to rely on anger or apathy in the hopes of making her wake up. He's even tried adopting her attitude to see how she likes receiving as she's giving.

Along comes Captain Obvious. "Leroy, has it occurred to you that switching up your behavior as much as you change your underwear is only reminding her of the lunatics she's already been with? I want you to understand that I'm not the guy you should be taking advice from; I'm single for a reason. But my thought is that when she behaves badly, you should take it like a man. It's like the old 'punching contests' friends would have when you were younger. You take what she has to give, and but think about the things she's saying. Think about why she's saying them. Then, instead of crawling away, you TALK TO HER! Don't act like the guy who loves her; BE the guy who loves her. Remain a kind, considerate rock of stability and explain that what she's doing hurts you. Explain that it hurts when you can have a more meaningful conversation with me than with her. This searching for different ways to get through to her haven't worked, and they're not going to work. She's a mess. And if you continue to be a mess yourself, your marriage is going to fall apart, which I don't think is what you want."

Now that I think about it, I should have simply broken into song. They do it all the time in musicals, and there's a song from Camelot that would have done nicely.

How to handle a woman?
"There's a way," said the wise old man.
"A way known by every woman
Since the whole rigmarole began."
"Do I flatter her?" I begged him answer.
"Do I threaten or cajole or plead?
Do I brood or play the gay romancer?"
Said he, smiling, "No, indeed."
How to handle a woman?
"Mark me well, I will tell you, sir.
The way to handle a woman...
Is to love her...
Simply love her...
Merely love her...
Love her...
Love her."

Yes, I think life would be a lot more interesting if it were like a musical. Everyone would know the words to the songs and the dance steps. Living on cheaply constructed sets would be more of an adventure than existing inside these pesky buildings. And only in a musical can a Caucasian man run down the streets of Spanish Harlem shouting "MARIA!" and have only ONE woman come to the window.

Yeah...less issues in a musical, I think.

Musical cue, please...?

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