Friday, May 22, 2009

"Just when I thought I was out...

they pull me back in."

Really...I entered a state of deep, abiding crisis, and thought the Depression Thread would be left in good hands. As I started to fade, I saw others coming forward to lend an understanding ear, and to show they cared. I assumed the virtual group therapy session would go on without the lead therapist, as there were others who were following my example.

Then there was mention in an e-mail of a certain Blue friend of mine. I know her fairly well, probably better than most. But the reference was vague, so I had to go looking at the GitP forums to see what was going on. Yes, Blue is in crisis...BIG TIME! Thus, I posted what I thought would be a one-time response. Toward the end of my post, I told Blue to reach out to me if she wanted to talk. I even jumped on Skype, and when she didn't answer my call, I typed in a message that I assume got through to her, as she sent me a PM.

Okay...I replied, probably giving her a lot to think about. But to be sure, I've visited the Depression Thread several times since, and...Well, let's see some of the responses, shall we?

...and now I know why everyone speaks of Bor in hushed, awed whispers of awesomeness and love.
*gives him a cookie*

You are smart and helpful, and i wonder how a person like you has emotional problems at all Bor. Will you come back?

Has he been gone so long, and you here so short, that you'd missed him? Bummer for you.
I wish there was a way we could help him out, in a way more long-term than the last one or two crises, so that he could come back and help us out again =/

And the exchange between Blue and...someone.

Someone: I know people are only talking about depression... and how to help you... and how to cheer you up...
But hey... You have a degree in what?
Blue: Software engineering.
Someone: Really? That's cool.
I'm working on my degree in computer science now
Well... If the university allow me to study until the end.
Do you enjoy programming or your degree was more like UML and stuff like that?
Blue: We had a lot of just designing, but I really preferred the programming.
Someone: Sweet
You have any particular interest in programming? Like... I don't know... computer graphic.. or genetic algorithm?
I did some scientific research on computer vision and I once worked on a OS project based on unix for public schools. But I'm current stuck in a bank correcting other peoples code, which kind of sucks....

When did the Depression Thread turn into Random Banter? (And when did I write in the first post anything about D-D forcing Titanium Cookies on anyone? I don't recall actually writing that. Then again, maybe I did.) I can see from the exchange that "Someone" is trying to help Blue find something enjoyable, but it is also akin to sneaking up on a person with a bucket of troubles, pointing and shouting, "Look! Elvis!", and then trying to run off with the bucket. The troubles are still there, compressed into the bucket...they've just been moved on a temporary basis. It helps in the short term, not the long term.

An old fire is starting to burn. It's the fire that starts as a mere smoldering beneath my butt and gets me moving again. When the flames reach the seat of my pants...well, let's just say I'll move for the sake of saving the pants, and not so much my tuchas.

As I make my return to GitP, I'm going to have to bring something new to the table. There was a time when I may have called it selfishness, but what it really is is a sense of self-preservation. I can no longer sacrifice my own well-being for the sake of others. Where I was once like a psychological fireman, running into emotional flames to save another, I'm going to have to realize that my own mental illnesses make it difficult for me to "run" into anything. I think that's part of why I burned out and abandoned the Playground as I did. I was so busy juggling the problems of others that I was all but ignoring my needs. What's more, I'm NOT a trained professional. I haven't developed the skill of professional detachment. Thus, I feel more for my "patients" than REAL therapists.

For those who remain fans of this blog, know that I will continue posting, probably in an effort to keep my emotional explosions from GitP. But I guess...Well, it's like the title says...I'm being pulled back in, though not intentionally. My friends need me, and turning a deaf ear to focus only on myself is not helping any of us.

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