Sunday, June 28, 2009

I blame "mom."

For those who have not paid attention to when I mention her, I don't often call my step-mother by that title. Instead, I call her "mom."

Why? Because I grew up with a "mother." The woman that gave me life did as little as possible when it came to showing caring and love. She was not even responsible for putting clothes on my back, food in my belly, or keeping a roof over my head. By the time I officially became a teenager, in that I turned 13, she was no longer cooking for the family. My brothers and I had to fend for ourselves, doing our own laundry and preparing our own meals, (unless we were lucky enough to have Dad cook when he got home from work). This had nothing to do with a life lesson. I mean, my brothers were seven and nine when this woman stopped doing everything.

But to talk to my MOM is to talk to a loving, caring, understanding woman. That is, as understanding as she can be; when I speak of some of my psychological issues, she becomes as lost as any "normal" person.

Now there's this idea of me moving to Tennessee, and several things are coming into play inside my head that have it turning into a silent war of internal thought. The whole idea stems from the concept of being closer to people who know and (supposedly) love me. When I spoke of the move to my brother, I mentioned Johnson City as a possibility, along with Knoxville. This almost caused my brother to blow a gasket. It's an hour and a half drive between the two places, and my brother sees it as being no closer than me living in AZ. I either move to Knoxville, or his stance is, "Why bother?"

Okay. So I would go to Knoxville. What I've been doing is looking into some things I'm going to need there, like whatever equates to welfare/Medicaid/food stamps. Well, I might qualify for those programs, although my receiving SSD seems to be a problem. "You're already getting something from the government. Maybe the State will help, and maybe not." It would be quite an issue for me if, when I got there, I discovered the answer was, "Nope. No benefits for you."

The next thing I did was look at the weather. They...ummm...They have winter there. If it gets down to freezing here in AZ, it's officially like a cold day in Hell. TN has months where the nightly average low is 32 degrees F. That "little extra twinge of pain" my brother thinks I'm going to experience is going to be me, lying in bed, praying for death. The cold will also have an affect on my neuropathy. I have this fear that I'll end up stuck outside wherever I'm living, unable to get inside because my hands won't work a key. Spec-freakin'-tacular.

While I gave my friend, "Smellie Hippie" as most know him, homework, I did some looking of my own into mental health case management. That's going to require a phone call, and the call may have to wait until Tuesday. The reason for this being that I need to see my idiot doctor on Monday. Since I'm awake at 1:00 AM right now, I'm going to need to get my sleep on schedule before then. (Yay?)

Then there's the living arrangements. Stu has this idea that I should move into his place temporarily, see how it works out, and if it does, they'll try to convert a room into a kind of private sanctuary for me. The problem is that, to be honest, I don't want to live under the same roof as my brother. He already has an outlandish brood of his own there. He has his wife, her nephew and niece, and his son. Eventually, the police will arrive to find me standing over a pile of bodies, with me standing there and calmly explaining, "They were bothering me." (Face facts, folks...If I had that kind of physical prowess, I wouldn't be in the disabled shape I'm in now.)

Stu also doesn't live that close to anything I can do on my own. If so inclined, I can literally step off my apartment complex property and find myself standing at a bus stop. That's not the case with Stu's house. When I was there last year, and was taken to his house for dinner on my last night there, I vaguely remember a lot of winding roads, with plenty of hills. Just going to a doctor would be an adventure, and relying on Stu to get me from point A to point B is sure to end up becoming a speech from him about what an inconvenience it is.

I'm also going to need to give my brother's doctor a call, and find out if he's willing to care for the likes of me. Stu has hinted that he may well try to get me off these painkillers I'm on. While I don't object to that idea completely, it poses a problem in that these medications are the only ones that have proven to be helpful. If he won't help, then I'm going to have to conduct a quest once I'm there for a doctor willing to work with me.

Oh, it's going to be loads of fun.

Of course, one of Stu's arguments to move to TN was that I'd be able to see "green" again, as in trees and flowers. I responded with, "Hey! If I wanna see green, I'll look for pictures of it online."

Setting aside my complaints, there are others out there who care. A chat with Smellie Hippie's wife, Mountain Fairie for those that don't know, reminded me of this. I know "Skywalker" is also out there, and I'm sure he'd love to have me closer so he can drag my butt to a coffee house and take my liberal mind to task with his right winged ideas. (I joke...I sense future conversations with a friend who would just enjoy the debate, as well as the company.)

There's also a certain "bunny" out there with a spectacular set of...ummm...assets...yes, I will call them assets...that would be that much closer. (Insert lecherous laughter here.)

My mind is at war with the idea, and yet there is more waiting for me in terms of friends and family there than there was when I returned to AZ. With that in mind, I stopped at the dollar store just a few short steps from my complex and asked a "close acquaintance" if he would call when they have boxes they can spare for me. No matter what, I have to leave this apartment complex. I fear that leaving my apartment for too long will result in my coming home to find it broken into. Heck, I fear stepping out of my apartment because I firmly believe my neighbors aren't above mugging me for all the nothing I have.

Now...Here's the really tricky part. Somehow, some way, I'm going to need the funds to pull this all off. Stu remains out of work, which is absolutely stunning. I mean, he applied for work at McDonald's and Burger King, and even they haven't called him back. This leaves him free to come all the way out to AZ, rent a van, and help me move. HOWEVER, this also means his wife would need to take several days off from work to watch their son, and that's going to hurt their finances even more. The pittance that I'd be coughing up for rent would hardly cover their overall losses.

MY plan would be much different. What I would do is pack up what little I intend to keep, sell what little else I have to the first "bidder," and then ship everything to Stu's place. Dad will probably be willing to handle the plane ride to TN. Once I'm there, just buy all new stuff for wherever I decide to settle down. And what would I really need? Pots, pans, plates, TV stand, futon or bed, computer desk, perhaps some shelving for books, and that's about it. (I'll ship my computer and television to TN.) The problems with my plan are that, aside from my regular begging each month, buying new everything would be financially painful. There'll also be the deposit on an apartment, the first month's rent, etc. On a guess, I think I'm looking at around $2,000...although I plan on getting a closer look at the prices of things before etching a number like that in stone.

Now, before people freak out...OMG, Bor, Rob, or whatever your name is! $2000 is a crazy amount of money to muster! Not if it's done between now and when my lease is up at the end of September. Look...People were able to muster enough for me to fly to TN and stay in a motel in three days when Stu was deathly ill. Given much more time, I think it can be pulled off, and not nearly as painfully as usual.

These are just ideas. Still, things will have to be set in motion relatively soon if this is going to happen. For the moment, I'm venting my thoughts here, and feedback would be welcome. I tend to miss the obvious, no matter how much I try to focus. If anyone has ideas, please speak up.

Oh...and be well while you do so.

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