Yesterday's post must have been too "happy." Apparently, what I needed was to have my mind shoved further into the depths of depression. And that's why I went to see my PCP today.
Okay...that's not the reason. The actual reason was because I was out of Xanax. It was Dr. G again, and he immediately looked over my prescriptions and said, "You're a week early for your meds." He was talking about my pain meds, so I corrected him and explained I was there for the Xanax. But I figured while I was there, he could write for the pain meds, and that would be that. I can't fill them for several more days, anyway.
Instead, he told me to come back in a week to get them. He couldn't make my life easier and just write them today. No...he basically treated me like a drug addict, flat out insisting that I return next week. Then, before I could discuss anything else, he was out the door.
And you know what? I'm about ready to scream, "I QUIT!" I mean, I'm sitting here and all I'm doing is typing, and I'm in A LOT of pain. The last time Dr. G write for my painkillers, he allowed for ONE tablet every four hours, as opposed to the one and a half I'd been taking up until that visit. Having received the $70 in my bank account, I paid back the person who got me through the weekend and bought food. I'm broke again. I'm fed up with asking for help, and I have a sense that people are getting VERY tired of hearing it from me. I actually think people are afraid to call or write because they're afraid I'll just spend my time begging. I have no wife, girlfriend, or children. The family that I do have is all back east, and they treat me like pariah. No of them call me anymore; they wait for me to pick up the phone. And when I last spoke to my father and mentioned I'd like to visit, he seemed more reluctant to have me fly to NY than pleased that I wanted to see him.
The reality is that I seem to be waiting around to die. I no longer have any prospects. I don't believe there's anyone out there waiting for me in a romantic sense. And all of my friends will shed tears for my loss, but they will eventually move on.
And there you have it. My depression has hit a new high - the first time in a long time. I'm not going to do anything foolish, so you can all relax. But I can't think of any reason why I'm sticking around.