Monday, July 27, 2009

Post 200...again!

Craaaaaazy weekend. I don't think there's a sane mind left in the house. Even I went a little nuts, thinking I have an ego and all that. I was sure to put myself in my place, especially with a response on the Depression Thread.

The tale starts with my buddy, Arguskos, having a monumental meltdown. He left a rather distressing "note" on the aforementioned thread, and I did my best to get in touch with him. But by the next morning, I was kicking myself. I should have been doing much more the moment I saw it.

Now worries, because Rob was now on the case. I was on the phone on and off with a police department that was hundreds of miles away all morning. Either I was calling them, or they were calling me. Eventually, Katrascythe, Arguskos's girlfriend, got in touch with me, and people were on the move to find him. It all ended rather well, and Argus and I spent almost three hours on the phone Saturday night, just shooting the breeze.

I came away from the entire event feeling I was some kind of superhero. Who needs an MMO about such things when you can be one in real life. For the first time in a long time, I felt good about myself, and I started acting on it...a little too much. I mean, I was thanked by various people, and some folks patted me on the back for a job well-done. But I hopped the forums, looking about in a couple of other threads, searching for even more praise. "Hey! Did you see the awesomeness that is Bor, in action, on the Depression Thread? It's like knowing a saint before sainthood is given, and I am blessed to have even seen his writings. All hail Bor!"

I didn't find any such thing. And so I started a writing binge in terms of trying to help even more people...for the completely wrong reason. I was motivated by receiving more ego boosts, not so much helping...even though I did my best to give sound advice.

Enter the Dragon! Okay, not the movie. I'm talking about "the Rose Dragon." He put a post on the Depression Thread, and it was in the form of a video! I was impressed. Had to be a first for the entire Depression Thread series. (Shhhh! Don't tell anyone, but the DT 4 is actually the DT 5. One was shut down due to in-fighting and various other emotional explosions.)

My first instinct was to comment, "Dude...Could you possibly sigh a few more times during the video?" But then I was stopped by that internal voice, Rob...the guy needs help, not a jackass. So I opened with a joke..."Definitely needs more cow bell." (I see in in the chat window on City of Heroes enough that it kinda got stuck there.) Following my semi-witty remark was a story in which I tried to remind the Rose Dragon about conversations we've had on AIM.

You see, he deems himself a bastard. He deems himself a bastard because of how he acts and what he says to people. And when we spoke on AIM, I tried to teach him the ever-important skill of thinking before speaking. But I don't think I ever told him the tale of Deidre and I. It was a fairly lengthy story, and I actually wrote it out in my book about growing up with diabetes, The Suicide Note. (Not a real note...just a shock title to get people's attention.) Well, now I took the time to officially tell the tale again, and it was like taking an RPG (that's Rocket Propelled Grenade, not Role-Playing Game) to my inflated ego. The abbreviated version is that I told a girl that had been freshly diagnosed with leukemia that she was going to die, without so much as a brief thought as to what I was saying. I was temporarily punished by the hospital staff, and punished long-term by yours truly. To this very day, when I think about the person I WAS, I feel inspired to throw myself into speeding traffic. To make matters worse, Deidre DID pass on, though I was lucky enough to give her a heartfelt apology before that happened.

After I wrote that, I was back to feeling more like my "normal" self.

Adding to this was another thread that popped up, and I wondered if I had somehow inspired it. As many of you know, I start begging for aid come the middle of each month. There is a link to this blog in my GitP signature. So there was suddenly a thread that appeared about a young woman being kicked out of her house, and her boyfriend was suddenly making a lot of posts seeking help. It seemed she immediately joined the forums to start communicating directly with people as they started making suggestions, and what came to my mind was, She's shooting down every reasonable idea being tossed out there. Ergo, she's looking for money.

It's a little more complicated than that, and I should explain. The original post said that this young couple was looking for somewhere the girlfriend could stay, perhaps becoming a live-in nanny or maid. A drop of logical thought poses the question, "Who gets a job like that at the drop of a dime, without references of known experience?" No one that I know of. And I didn't recognize the name of the original poster, and the girlfriend had definitely registered just to be able to chat on this thread. But they were smart enough to not ask for money...just kept knocking ideas down as they came along. The one bit of "shooting-down" that occurred that made me suspicious was the claim that there were no homeless shelters in the area. I went to Google and found THREE shelters in seconds. Something wasn't right.

If this couple was trying to play upon the kindness of those at GitP, they forgot one little thing: it is a community of "geeks," and they tend to be smarter than the average bear. On the chance that they somehow stumbled upon my blog and got the idea to give a scam a go, they failed to realize that people don't just throw money at me because I ask. They help me after knowing me for years, and I have a fairly solid reputation of not sucking the financial life out of anyone I can convince to help me. Look back just two posts ago, where I told everyone to stop sending help. If that's the act of a con man, then I need lessons on ripping people off.

Of course, my blog may not have had anything to do with it, and that this is just the smidgen of paranoia that seems to stick with me. Still, it all just seemed...odd. Whether or not this blog inspired them to do what they did, the couple seemed to be trying very hard to reject every reasonable suggestion made, as though they were holding out for someone to say, "I'll wire you some money right now." And it seems that after I posted the three homeless shelters on the thread, they surrendered 15 minutes later. It was as though someone on their end said, "Oh, crap...someone with a brain found three homeless shelters when we said there were none. And...Oh, crap! He's been homeless, and knows a bit about how they work! Well, there goes our hopes of getting money."

Hmmm...Maybe my ego is still too inflated, as I seem to think my posts are THAT important.

Oh...Ummm...Now that I'm thoroughly covered money-begging scams, I, ummm...Crap! Look, y'know that $175 I received via three people? It got me food, paid the co-pay on the prescriptions that were due to be refilled, got Nike some food, bought me a fresh month of City of Heroes...I know, I know! I shouldn't have done that, and I'm an idiot for having blown $15 on a game!...fresh bandages to tend the open wound on my left calf (that's taking forever to heal), alcohol swabs, a bottle of alcohol to clean areas wider than the swabs can cover, various paper goods, (paper plates, paper towels, and the like), and $50 cash back. Cash in my pocket! Get crazy!

And y'know what? I can't find that $50!!! I have checked my wallet repeatedly, as well as ALL of my pants pockets. Thinking I left it where Nike could get at it, I have, this very morning, done my best to search my apartment, and it's nowhere to be found. I have been beating my skull, trying to remember what I might have done with that money. Was it in my pocket, wallet, or out in the open? And if it was that last, was it taken when I turned my back for a couple of minutes on a neighbor?

Pause a moment. This particular neighbor, if she took it, probably doesn't remember taking it, and may not have known what she was doing, or that it was wrong. She came by at 10:00 PM Thursday night, and invited me to her place out of sheer loneliness for dinner. I declined, as she's really not in a position to give away food (and probably doesn't realize that), and I had plenty to get me through until at least Wednesday. (That would be two days from now.) The thing is that I'd noticed earlier that day that he skin was exceptionally dry, and now was my chance to help her out. I have this miraculous cream that saved my hands from cracking so badly that they were bleeding! So I went into my bathroom to strip an empty prescription bottle, wash it out, and then put some of this cream into it. There is the possibility that she saw the money and scooped it up...but I am the probable culprit, having misplaced it.

Just explaining...that's all.

So I find myself semi-screwed...again. I am loathe to ask for help, especially in that folks may cough up the amounts they did just last week! So here's the deal...Some of you know my PayPal account. Some of you may have they funds to help...again. (Ugh, I hate this!) If any one of you sends more than $10, I will use the extra funds to hire ninjas to kill you to death! If more than five people send money...well, it had BETTER overlap into next month, or I'm going to have some fancy dancing to do as to why it didn't. (And with my Charcot's feet, dancing ain't exactly what I do best.) And if I DARE to spend it on ANYTHING other than my needs, I give full permission for folks to hire ninjas of their own to kill me to death.

To complete the timeline, the reason I noticed the money missing this morning is that I wanted to go do laundry, went to get the money, and couldn't find it.

Oh...while I'm dragging this topic out, I recently deleted a comment that I shouldn't have. It came from the lovely Gem Flower. (Really...She's a gem AND a flower...How could she NOT be lovely.) The comment was to the effect of, "Are you SURE you won't take help from a minor?" Since I can never be sure if people are following up on my replies via the comments section, I sent her a PM that essentially said, "I am so desperate that I want to say 'yes,' yet I won't unless your parents give their approval." While the panicking part of me wishes they'd agreed, the moral part of my mind is glad they said "no." Besides...There's something radically wrong with an adult male giving contact information to a teenager below the age of 18, as it can wind up to me having to answer some uncomfortable questions. As it is, I made a vague offer to Gem that she and I could talk on Skype if she wanted. I even said in that message, "I would give you my phone number, but I don't know how old you are, and to give it to someone under 18 looks suspect."

*sigh* Am I a nice guy? Am I a bastard that's become a nice guy? Am I a bastard that only seems like a nice guy? Am I a guy that's really a nice bastard? I can't even tell at this moment. This post has made me think too much, and I feel all covered in shame over the "losing money" thing. (At least this isn't like the time Nike decided to play with my entire wallet; I found it in a corner of my apartment after a search that was very similar to the one this morning.) And for the record, I don't think I'll ever carry that much cash on me again if this is the kind of thing that's going to happen. Really...most places allow for purchases of any price to be made with a debit card.

I'm gonna go hide my babbling head under a rock now. And since I don't have a signature as I do on GitP that says it regularly, I will say...BE WELL! =)


evan said...

To answer your final questions: you are a nice guy who thinks he's a bastard. You are one of the most selfless people I know. You have troubles that would make most people either go crazy, or kill themselves. And despite that, you still go on to the DT and help others with their problems. You sacrifice your time, and take their troubles upon yourself, and truly make a difference. If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't be well set up to go back to my old school after my breakdown. So don't even think of saying anything bad about yourself. Because if Bor is a bastard, then the rest of us are demons.

Arguskos said...

Evan, I don't recognize the name, but you're damn right!

Rob, you're a great guy. Remember that Yiddish phrase you told me, "A blessing on your bellybutton"? Well, if I could speak Yiddish I'd call and tell that to you. :D

So, be well yourself, Rob.