Monday, September 14, 2009

Deal or No Deal?

Have you ever sat down to watch this show? I have, but only a few times. And what I saw was the ultimate exercise in greed. Really...It's stunning. I think the second time I watched it was for the models holding the cases. But as for the game, and the contestants...Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

The thing is, I keep imagining myself on that show, and how I'd make a TERRIBLE contestant.

If I recall properly, I believe there are twenty-some-odd cases on the stage, each accompanied by a positively stunning woman. The contestant picks one case in the hopes that the $1,000,000 is hiding inside, and then picks the other cases. The prices inside range from $0.01 to $1,000,000. Between choosing cases for the models to open, Howie Mandel, the host, gets a call from "the Banker." The call comes with an offer, in which I'm sure a computer has calculated the chance of the player having chosen the million dollars, and the Banker tries to "buy" the players case back. If the player chooses cases with small dollar amounts, the banker offers a high price for the player's case. If the player eliminates high numbers in the other cases, the offer from the Banker gets smaller.

Astonishingly, on the few shows I've seen, players have turned down hundreds of thousands of dollars! All for the small chance that the case they picked at the game's start will contain the million dollar placard.

They should get a poor guy like me on the show. I'd ruin everything. And it would go something like this...

Howie: Okay, Rob...You've picked your first five cases, and we're just waiting on the call from the banker.
Me: Tell him I said "deal."
Howie: But...he hasn't even called yet.
Me: Deal.
Howie: Rob...Really, you should wait for him to call. I mean, what if he only offers $2,000?
Me: Tell him it's a deal.
Howie: Ummm...Rob. The game was explained to you at the beginning, right?
Me: Yup.
Howie: And you understood how it's played, right?
Me: Yup.
Howie: So you know that by staying in the game longer, you have a chance to win even more money...Right?
Me: I also have a chance of losing it all, and I have a lot of nothing right now. Tell him "Deal."

The phone rings and Howie, whether or not he's actually talking to someone, has a discussion filled with a lot of "Uh huh...Okay. Right. I'll tell him."

Howie: Well, Rob. That was the banker. He's been listening to what you've been saying, and thinks you don't have it in you to keep going. So he's only offering you only $1,000.
Me: He's right. Deal.
Howie: (flabbergasted) Rob! That's the lowest offer that's ever been made on this show! The least he should be offering is $5,000, and he's taunting you. He wants you to stay in the game. You don't want to take the chance at winning more?
Me: Howie, I have NOTHING. That $1,000 is a lot of money to a guy with a lot of nothing. Deal.
Howie: I...I don't believe this.
Me: Look, Howie. What are we going to do here? Are we going to become buddies? You gonna invite me by your mansion for dinner every other week? I don't think so. Want me to bring out family and friends? Well, I wouldn't invite most of my family here if they paid me, and my friends, while they mean the world to me, have lives. I'm not going to waste their time coming out here to cheer me on as I demonstrate how greedy a human being can be. You wanna give me a million dollars right now and let me go forth to do good deeds? Great! But that's not going to happen either, so write me a check for $1,000 and let me be on my way.

The phone rings again, and Howie has another fake conversation with his imaginary friend.

Howie: Okay...He's taking pity on you. If he offers you $15,000, will you stay in the game?
Me: Only if that offer never goes down.
Howie: It, ummm...It doesn't work like that. I mean, if you open cases with high dollar amounts, it'll go down.
Me: Below $1,000?
Howie: Well, it could.
Me: Tell the Banker, "Thanks, but no thanks. Deal!"

Phone rings again! Howie is now frantic. Maybe a real person has called.

Howie: Rob...I have a promise from the banker that if you stay in the game, no matter what, you'll walk out of here with $15,000.
Me: Even if I play the game through to the last case, and I only have a penny in mine?
Howie: Well, the rules of the game still have to apply. I mean, if we do it for you, we'd have to do it for everyone else.
Me: Okay...DEAL!

It is ridiculous that people stare at the big, lighted board, and they see $1,000,000, $750,000, $500,000, $250, $5, and $1 on it, and they're still saying, "No deal." By that time, the banker is offering over $100,000, and these idiots still think they stand a chance at the big win. It's as though they're not even considering what they'll have to pay to the IRS. Do they really think they'd have a million dollars to take home? Heck no! Uncle Sam will want his share, and he wants more when you have more money.

Sorry to ruin the game for you, Howie, but I'm shouting "DEAL" at the first offer.

Speaking of "deal," or at least dealing with me, the time has officially come for me to start making a cry for aid. I have a week's worth of funds left. I usually wait until I have only a day or two's worth of funds, but I've decided to be smart this time around. What's more, I am seeing my doctor a week from tomorrow, in which I'm going to have to probably pay a little extra for some of my meds. I tried to say as much the last entry of last month, but no one has responded. So, my friends...I hope you are still able to deal with me and my excessive needs, but I could use the help...and hopefully for the last month. As always, the help is appreciated in advance. Once I'm under Siege's roof, my financial needs should be severely reduced. Until then...Ummm...Deal?

Back to the madness of packing. Be well, all.

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