Such is the alternative name for a "retreat." And today, after a visit to GitP, that's exactly what my brain did.
I went to peek in on the Depression Thread, as I often do, although I don't reply nearly as much as I used to. While various living conditions have changed for the better, my medical and psych problems have changed for the worse. It's an uncomfortable cycle. I am mostly a witness to my body's ongoing rebellion and malfunctioning. When my feet ache after a simple walk through the local Wal-Mart, I often am psychologically exhausted, as it becomes a fight not to break down in tears after I think, I'm 42, my body aches like I'm 70, and all of these beautiful women I'm passing wouldn't want to be with a guy whose body doesn't work properly. And the ladies are just part of it. Some part of my mind still wants kids, yet I don't believe I'll ever have any at the rate I'm going.
The one person I've been most comfortable letting down all of my defenses was Julie. Our friendship transcends what other people call a friendship. Even the closest people tend to have a number of secrets from one another. Julie and I have VERY FEW secrets.
For example, I might joke with my friends that it's been so long since I've been intimate with a woman that my virginity has been refunded. "Yep...Got a certificate in the mail claiming I was a virgin again." This usually gets a laugh, which it's meant to do. But Julie knows even MORE about my woes when it comes to intimacy...details you just don't share when you're shooting the bull with your buddies.
My last post was a rather feeble attempt at distraction. I don't want to dwell on the fact that Julie exploded on my last call to her. What I did to check on her well-being should have been obvious. I love her in a way that transcends mere friendship, is very much along the lines of love of family, and teeters on the cusp of romance without actually falling on the other side of that line. Julie even told her current husband, (number three, for those that are counting), "I come with a Rob."
Now, things have been going on in my life for which I need my Julie. And although it came out angrily, it would seem that there have been events in her life for which she could have used her Rob. Despite all of my efforts to contact her, there was no reply.
Added to this was the fact that Julie has had a troubled past. She's been married twice, and both men did what seemed to be an excellent job at hiding their true nature until after they were wed. The first was physically abusive. The second was psychologically abusive. So extended silence from Julie can only result in me developing nightmare scenarios for what's going on in her life. The worst of which involved her current husband, an ex-special forces military man, losing his cool and bringing her SERIOUS harm. As her silence went on, my imagination just got worse and worse.
I have no other way of reaching her, other than by phone. I have no printer with which to print a letter. My handwriting has gotten worse over the years from neuropathy, which is compounded by the fact that I can't grip a pen for long; a letter is practically out of the question. Thus, in my desperation, I called upon the police, those civil servants that look out for the well-being of the populace, to do a wellness check. Although I was willing to accept that things might not be "well" in her neck of the woods, I wanted to let her know that I was worried, and that I was willing to go to extremes to make sure of it. I didn't ask the police to call me back, but they did, and let me know that she was okay. I was ultimately relieved.
How things fell apart after that doesn't make sense to me. How this is being viewed by ANYONE as me having "called the cops on her" is baffling. I can repeat this until I'm blue in the face, "I did NOT call the cops ON her. I called them to do a wellness check. That's it."
...yet the reply posts on GitP all seem to say the same thing. Several people have made it out as though I called to rat Julie out on something illegal, or that I was trying to control her in some way. If that had been the case, I could have manipulated the courting of her newest husband and kept her all to myself, instead of working rather hard to see them get together.
Then to learn via emotional explosion that things have not been good, and at no time did she make an effort to contact me to let me know. It's not my DEMAND that she keep me in the loop, but it would certainly have helped to let me know so that I would know she was alive...struggling, but alive. I love her, probably more than I love any other friend, and it's upsetting to now know that she didn't deem to keep me in the loop - to leave me wondering - when she should know by now that I am available to her day or night when it comes to venting her woes onto me. In the past, I was her go-to guy when it came to such difficulties. My advice often offered up another perspective, and I was usually capable of bring a smile to her face. But since our last enjoyable call, I seem to have been relegated from "Best friend she has in the universe" to "some guy she knows in KS."
At least, that's how it feels right now. Between the emotional upset I feel over this, and people shoving the idea that I'd "called the cops on her," my brain, once again, shut down on me. I retreated to my room, turned off the light, and slept for many hours, smack in the middle of the day.
Odds are good, or so I hope, that this will all pass. If our friendship is as strong as advertised, one will call the other and we will talk it out. Do I expect her to drop everything to call me? Of course not. I'm simply not that selfish. She has a family, with great responsibilities to go with it. But I'm hopinh she can make a little room for her Rob again.