Tuesday, July 6, 2010

But can I *DO* it?

Surgery's tomorrow. I've been watching the second season of "House," which now has me thinking a hangnail WILL be the cause of my potential doom, despite having no such hangnail. And so, on Becky's recommendation, I have decided to watch "New Moon."

...and may G-d have mercy on my soul.

I'm about 40 minutes into it, give or take a few minutes, and so far it's not a movie. It's one of the longest music videos ever made, running neck and neck with "Rocky IV." I can almost imagine the production discussion, with the lead producer saying, "It's okay that we don't film anything of value, or write any meaningful dialogue. We'll cover everything with music, and the people will love it." Uh huh. Unless the audience members have brains. Then you're going to have a problem.

This is also apparently the "Bella breathes" movie. I get it. Edward is a vampire. He doesn't breathe. But did they have to put a microphone into Bella's nose and mouth so we could hear every breath she takes? Really...if you have the opportunity to watch it again, listen carefully to the start of the movie. Whenever Eddie's around, Bella sounds like she's in respiratory distress. Someone hand the girl an inhaler!

I'm actually disappointed. You see, the movie had a fairly twisted opening. And since the characters were established in the first film, we could get on with the hot vampire on human action, right? But, no...The music starts up and doesn't seem to end. The soundtrack must come in a seven-disc set. And that's the first 40 minutes! The 57-disc set hold the complete soundtrack for all to suffer through.

But can I finish it? Can I make it to the end without bleeding from the ears, or hemorrhaging from my brain as the painful writing murders one brain cell at a time in cold blood? Maybe THIS is the plan? The movie was made by vampires, and they want us as close to brain dead as possible before coming to feed on us hapless humans.

We shall see.

Meanwhile, I'm scheduled to be at the hospital at 6:30 AM for surgery tomorrow. Because I won't be able to take painkillers, I'll probably be in spectacular amounts of pain in the morning. Thankfully, all I have to do tomorrow morning is shower and be on my way. If I had to do more, I'd probably ask that they admit me to the hospital so that they can take me from my room directly to surgery.

G-d, I'm scared. And with no good reason, I think. I've had this kind of surgery twice before, and it wasn't that bad.

I've also survived a third of "New Moon." I'm thinking open-heart surgery is less scary than that. =P

EDIT: I COULD do it. It was more painful than I could ever imagine, but I could do it.

Every time a new song started playing, I winced. A hundred and one sad songs does not a soundtrack make. I prayed for death during each idiotic song choice that was made for this movie. And what was amusing was that when people were supposedly falling in love and happy, a piece written specifically for the movie was slipped in. My assumption is that there are, in fact, no happy songs being written by the latest pop musicians.

The acting was as bad as the first movie. It seems only Kristen Stewart had any tone inflection in her voice, and that was mostly when she was whining. Is it a bad thing when, while watching a movie, you pray the leading heroine will be killed to save you, the audience member?

As for the leading men, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner...The former needs to eat a bit, and maybe work out some; if he were any skinnier, I'd want to know why he isn't hospitalized for anorexia. The latter apparently only knows how to act angry, and, yes, it's virtually monotone, as mentioned.

I kept waiting for the action to pick up. I mean, now we have werewolves AND vampires. In this two-hour film, you're lucky to total up five minutes of action. I would go back and time it, but that would mean having to watch it again, and...I just can't. Not unless forced.

In the midst of watching this G-d-awful piece of cinema, Cody interrupted to talk to me. When he saw what I was watching, he reacted with great shame. I was practically forced to vow on the lives of my future children that I'd never bring the books into his home. (Actually, he merely threatened to set fire to the books if they ever came into this house.) (Here's hoping that not what Becky bought me for my rapidly approaching birthday.)

So...Why will I eventually watch the third movie? Well, most of you know that I have this foolish human quality called hope. And it is my hope that somewhere, at some time, there will be some redeeming quality in these films. I doubt that such a thing will happen. Not if the writing and acting stays true to form.

These "Requiem" and "Forsaken" lite movies are hardly worth the success they've met with...but then even a fool can get lucky, right? This is why I maintain hope. I'm a fool, and I cling to the hope that I'll be that lucky some day.

1 comment:

Zeb The Troll said...

Hold on a second...

They added werewolves to the mix and STILL couldn't make a better movie than the first one?

I read a similar review of the movies thus far and that writer claimed that the female lead part was so unremarkable in every way that he couldn't be bothered to remember her name. Since all she ever does in the films is pant, he referenced her only as Pants throughout the rest of the review. I wish I could find it again. It was hilarious.

(Side note, since the vampires sparkle, are the other faction like werepoodles or something?