If you look to the right of this page, you'll see a list of followers. That list isn't real. You see, some of those people stopped following this blog some time ago. Meanwhile, there are those who've followed without signing up. So how many people are actually following my blog? No idea. With certainty, I can say one: Becky, AKA Neko. And the truth is that I don't need to write a blog for her; I give her updates on my life on a daily basis. Nefi MIGHT be following it, but with her life currently in chaos due to her upcoming marriage, I doubt she's reading regularly.
So I have to wonder...WHY, pray tell, am I maintaining a blog with one audience member? Better yet, why am I maintaining a blog for an audience member whom I speak with daily? It makes little sense to do so. It's like the practice of writing a journal that you intend to let no one read. I tried that last one, and eventually stopped because it was a nonsensical exercise. The only reason I could think of to keep such a journal was in the hopes of writing about a secret love and having said love discover it...then fall madly in love with the author. And does that EVER happen?
So I've been contemplating abandoning this blog. Why bother if no one is reading? Not even a small audience is following along.
I've also been contemplating leaving Giant in the Playground. I've been a member for three years and eight months. That's a pretty good haul. And in that time, I've had many good things happen for me, and have committed numerous good deeds. But...
Well, "the kids are growing up and moving on." I started the Depression Thread, and it seems to run fairly well without me. I have been discovering this last while suffering through my latest medical adventures. If anything, I head in there to use the DT myself, to which the masses reply, "Golly, Bor...Your life sucks, and I'm sorry. *HUGS!*" I get sympathy at best. Advice...? Nope. Oh, it has nothing to do about caring; I know these long distant friends care. It's because they don't know what to say. Many of my issues are so overwhelming to the average person that they simply don't know what to say.
Or...is it that they assume I'll just be okay? Hmmm...There's an idea. "Rob has been through so much, and continues to go through so much. He's always survived. Surely he'll survive again." That thinking would be great, except that...I don't really get words of encouragement. And that's what's lacking.
Y'know, maybe things were better when I was suffering financially. Support was easy to receive in the way of cash landing in my PayPal account. But words of encouragement seem to be incredibly hard to come by. That is so backwards in this current world economy. I can't get words, which are free, but I can get money, which isn't easy to come by. Go figure.
So that's where I am mentally. I'm contemplating several things. One is leaving GitP. Another is discontinuing this blog. And finally, I'm thinking about abandoning some of the illusions I live with. The idea that my internet popularity would be maintained was probably the silliest of all things of which I convinced myself. "Friends" on the internet are rare. I managed to make myself believe I had many of them. But what I ACTUALLY had were a lot of acquaintances, with a few friends. Unfortunately, some of those friends have faded away into their own lives. The rest were never as close as I imagined. It's time for that illusion to end.