Sunday, August 1, 2010

Overwhelmed

Yes, I had a major mental meltdown on Thursday night. My fears of a relationship falling apart yet again flooded into my brain, and there was little choice but to discuss it. That's what a good, communicative couple does. They don't sit on their issues and let then fester within until they become a major problem. I had the thoughts, I expressed them, and Becky lovingly explained that she would prove herself to be different.

So yesterday, after a scheduling mix-up, Becky found herself working on what she thought was her day off. (Yay overtime!) Does her mind get hooked into the mundane tasks of the workplace? No. Does she put huge amounts of brain power to those things at work that require little of it? No. Instead, she's thinking about me, my pending visit to PA & NY, and whether or not we can afford to make my visit last from 18 September to the 30th.

I think that deserves a little explanation, as I haven't actually revealed the details of what's supposed to happen in Sept.

I will be traveling by bus from KS to PA. I will leave on the 17th and arrive on the 18th; it's a trip that's scheduled to last over 30 hours. The wedding isn't until the 24th, so we'll be spending the week at Kat's house, helping with the final details of the wedding, and probably taking a day off somewhere along the way to go look at apartments where Becky will be attending school. Since we will be spending most of that time under someone else's roof, we will likely be on our best behavior.

The wedding is taking place in NY, right along the NY/PA border. I have to admit that it's somewhat tempting to want to drive on over to Long Island to visit my Dad for a day, but I don't know that we'll be able to swing it. (Just writing this hear will be a reminder to bring it up with Becky, who will also read it.)

After all that, it's Rob and Becky time. The hours spent telling one another that we miss the other will be made up for as we spend the next few days holding one another. Breaks to eat and sleep may or may not occur. From the 25th to the 30th, Becky and I will concentrate on ourselves, with the good possibility that I will meet my future in-laws.

Then I'll come home and probably have arm surgery.

Meanwhile...Last night, while Becky and I chatted on Skype yet again, I was simply overwhelmed by the love I feel for her. It's difficult to explain. I'm not filled with excitement or butterflies in my stomach at all times, but that could be years of experience, my meds, or even my psych issues at work. So when I feel my love for her shine through, it's STRONG. As in, "tearing up and feeling like I'm emotionally melting because I can't believe how danged lucky I am" kind of strong. Not only did it strike me last night, but it has lasted into this morning, and I find myself missing her all the more.

Soon, Rob. Soon.

I mentioned last post how Becky and I are more agnostic than anything else. I believe in G-d, but I lack faith. The thing is that there are times when I'm fairly sure I've been on the receiving end of a miracle. The most common example I use is how Sir Frederick Banting discovered insulin. Here was a man who was supposed to become a priest, but chose to become a surgeon instead. Then this surgeon is reading an article when he gets some goofy idea about how to isolate insulin from the pancreas. He's not even in the field of medical research! He goes on to isolate the hormone, and the first diabetic to receive an insulin injection occurs in January of 1922. With everything against his doing so, he finds a way to save the lives of millions of diabetics, myself included.

So there I am, playing a favorite MMO and flirting randomly with any female who will spare me two words. Becky is willing to flirt, but she's engaged. Then she wasn't engaged, but she's off to Puerto Rico to meet another guy. Still, she wants to talk to me, and rapidly becomes addicted to all that is me. At the last minute, her trip is canceled, and she wants to come see me. This is where it usually fell apart for me, as previous internet romances all managed to not come to me when they promised they would. But Becky shows up, and we end up having a wonderful time together. By the time she leaves, she's not just my girlfriend, but my future fiance.

It was all luck and chance. Or was it? Was I, in fact, on the receiving end of one of G-d's miracles? I believe it entirely possible. In the meantime, I'm in love. Yes, I'm still terrified that she'll vanish on me one day, but I love Becky.

Make sure you all write that down, okay?

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