Saturday, August 28, 2010

Wow, that hurt more than I thought

Facebook is an entirely new kind of evil to me. Sure, I could head to Google and search for old acquaintances, or even seek them out on But it seems everyone and their mother is on Facebook, and finding people has never been easier.

I have reached out to Jackie, and there's a part of me that's actually nervous about that. As I mentioned yesterday, she looks no different than when I knew her all those years ago. Father Time, it would seem, decided to ignore her as he worked so hard to age the rest of us. She's apparently been doing a lot of belly dancing, which I vaguely remember as being something she was interested in. But it would seem she now does it around the world, which is awesome.

Ah, but Jackie WAS a problem for me. Alone, during an intimate moment while I was with Perlin, I was drifting off to sleep while Perlin was...ummm...It's probably best that I not say what she was doing. Anyway, while she toyed with me, I moaned in my sleep, "Mmmm...Jackie." That I actually had nothing going on with Jackie seemed to mean very little; I still got in a lot of trouble for it.

Jackie was one of the greater loves of my life, even though we never dated. And that she looks no different just shoves all kinds of memories into my head that I thought I'd forgotten.

Now let me be clear. I love Becky with all my heart. No one will ever tempt me away from her, as she's the first and only woman to hear my laundry list of issues and say, "So what?" She's also extremely sweet, loving, beautiful, adventuresome, fun, funny, intelligent, a bibliophile, and a gamer. She's everything I could ever want.

But getting in touch with some of these old ghosts from my past...I'm just terrified that we'll be alone at some point, and the romantic mush will be flowing heavily, and that's when I'll softly mutter, "Mmmm...Jackie."

For that matter, there are a number of names that could slip. I mean, remember little Lizzy, whom I've written about several times? She's the girl that was dying from leukemia when I met her. She's 19 (as of 29 Aug.), and looks like this:

That ain't no cute little 12-year-old. That's a gorgeous woman who knocks men over with a glance. And for the record, that's REALLY her, and not some image swiped off of some modeling site. It's hard to believe that she really was on the cusp of dying when I met her. Thanks to a bone marrow donation, she's alive and as well as one could hope.

Ah, but Facebook gave me a glowing hot blade to the heart when I did some looking around, only to confirm what was only suspicion. left me thinking my one-legged ex, Robin, MIGHT be married. Well, it turns out that she is. And on her page, instead of a picture of her, is a photo of two boys, whom I assume are hers. One looks to be rather close to around eight years old, and that's when I started doing some math in my head.

Robin and I broke up 16 January 2000. For her to have an eight-year-old son, she would have had to have given birth in 2002. Take off nine months for the pregnancy, which pushes the date in my head back into late 2001 an the most. Now subtract time for courting, engagement, and wedding, and...

One of two things happened in January of 2000. Either Robin leapt into the arms of someone else immediately and rushed headlong into the romance that would turn into her wedded life, or...Robin had already started the relationship before we'd broken up.

Great. Just what I needed. More paranoia to add to my existing trust issues. Did I have ANY faithful girlfriends in my life?

Becky and I frequently talk about how in love we are. What we say at this time is that we simply can't imagine life without the other. In fact, thoughts of losing the other for whatever reason is extremely painful. But life has taught me the unfortunate reality that people change. Perspectives change. There was a quote on Robin's profile that read, "When your ex says, 'You will never find anyone like me,' and you reply, 'G-d, I sure hope not.'" While I never said anything like that, I somehow think such a sentiment was aimed at me. And there was a time when Robin supposedly loved me as much as Becky does.

Or perhaps she didn't. More than anyone in my past, I feel the most loved by my sweet, beautiful Becky. When confronted by my issues, other women in my past reacted with frustration, annoyance, concern, fear...but never love. Becky responds with love for everything, and that's simply amazing to me.

As a prime example, I'm due for more surgery. I'll be seeing the orthopedic surgeon on 7 September to discuss if my next surgery will be my right elbow or my left knee. This surgery, whatever it will be, should occur after I return from PA.

Now as it happens, Becky has worked out a way for us to have more time together. Instead of saying goodbye on 30 Sept., she'll board the bus with me and come to KS for a week or so. And one of her DESIRES is to be here for when I have the surgery. She'd like her face to be one of the first things I see, aside from nurses and doctors. Then she'd take care of me for a bit before heading back to PA.

What makes all of this so different is that she wants to spend time with me while I recover. There's no discussion of finances, working, school, or any other responsibilities. She just wants to be here for me. It's NEVER been like that in my past. When I was struggling with my very first ulcerated wound on my right calf, Robin confronted me about work, the bills, what needed to be done, and the stubborn idea that "if this happens again," to which I reminded her throughout the conversation that "if" was out of the picture, and it was "when." Becky is aware that my life is a series of "when (insert medical issue) occurs..." And she's said, even before we were officially dating, "It's a good thing I want to become a nurse. I'll be able to take care of you."

*sigh* I don't know. My head is scattered. There are dozens of thoughts screaming through my skull, with a lot of emotional pain and frustration. I so desperately want this relationship with Becky to be different. I want it to last forever. She IS my home, and I want wherever we live to be a place filled with love and happiness. And I pray that that's not asking for too much. Because all other outcomes...they hurt entirely too much.


Loulou said...

Unfortunately... life hurts. It's one of my bench-marks of knowing that I'm still *actually* here.

That being said... I do hope it all works out as you plan with Becky. It would be nice to have some faith in humanity restored.

Nefidean said...

Becky and you will just be fine. I can already tell more from Becky then from you (cause I don't know you all that well comparatively.) that this relationship is something new for both of you in the good way. Becky won't cheat on you, I know that, and she'll want to help take care of you. Not that she never wanted to do that before with some of he exes but, there's a wanting to do it out of love that comes through, just as you've said. She's head over heals for you and I can tell by the way you talk that you're the same for here. You two have an open and honest relationship and you already going through a lot of hard bad stuff. So I'm sure you'll be fine.

Zeb The Troll said...

Rob, I wouldn't get too worked up about the timing of your breakup with Robin and the age of the boy.

Alarra and I met in late June, started dating in mid-July, got engaged February, and were married the following July. 13 months from the day we met to the nuptials. Alarra's parents went from meeting to marriage even faster. So would yours if outside events didn't make that a challenging proposition.

Your description leaves about 30 months from breakup to pregnancy and, for all we know, the pregnancy led to the wedding and not the other way 'round.

While it's certainly not impossible that what you described is what happened, but I don't think that reads as even a likely timeline, definitely not the MOST likely timeline.