Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Because I'm brilliant!

That would be sarcasm, folks. I'm not so smart, and can prove it by telling you what time I finally decided to go to sleep. You see, I took a "little nape" yesterday afternoon. Said nap was somewhere between six and seven hours. This only helped to throw my sleep schedule off completely, and I finally went to bed at...ummm...9:08 AM this morning. I slept for all of two hours, and am now a very special brand of exhausted.

It doesn't help that I ended up having a rather disturbing dream. In it, I was dating both Becky and Perlin, and neither knew of the other. There was something about there being nine different apartments in which I could hide one of the other, and I was constantly trying to do so. Apparently, when I wanted sex, I would run to Perlin. When I wanted love, I would seek out Becky. And what bothered me about it is that such thoughts of Perlin were supposedly left in the dust. How is it that an ex from well over a decade and a half ago still manages to haunt me?

I felt so bad about the dream, too. I mean, if Becky had still been here, I would have rolled over, looked her in the eyes, and apologized. Why? Because while I remain faithful to my beloved, my mind is obviously prepared to cheat on her. I'm a subconscious philanderer.

This could, of course, be a direct result of the chat Becky and I had last night. She's having a great deal of difficulty finding an apartment; something I suspected would happen because she's trying to do so during the "off season." It turns out she's having a problem for reasons other than "the fall students are taking up all the space." Something about gas workers filing into town and taking up all of the available apartments. (Greeeeat.)

One potential landlord spoke about student housing, and said that there might be stipulations pertaining to what sexes can live under one roof. According to this person, it has to be all-male or all-female. Our plans on living together starting next year would have issues, since I don't think I'd look good dressed in drag, and there's no way Becky could fake being a guy. (Her figure shouts, "I AM FEMALE!")

It came to us that the only way around this stipulation was if we were married. Becky is thoroughly against getting married for convenience's sake, since that was something her ex, Shawn, frequently said. "We'll get married when it's convenient." (How's that for the height of romance?) And while it seems like we might be doing just that, what we'd actually do is get married for the sake of being together.

It's just that we'd be pseudo-married.

Okay, that's just a reference to the frame of mind we'd TRY to hang on to, even though we'd be ACTUALLY married. The thing is that we'd essentially be skipping over the part where we live together a few years to be absolutely, 100% sure that we've found "the one." Lots of things can come to light once people share the same roof. We did well during the near three weeks we were together, from 18 September to 9 October, but that was just a visit. What'll happen when we know it's permanent?

My suggestion was this: we write up the equivalent of a prenuptial agreement, stating our plan on paper...with the agreement as part of the plan. (Is it just me, or does that seem a little odd?) We'll agree that until her nursing education comes to an end, there's always the chance that one, the other, or both will realize we've made a mistake and want to annul the marriage. Because there may be a time constraint on when annulment is possible, it may be considered a divorce after a while. Either way, we agree to break up without making it a legal drama that neither of us can afford. I'll get my stuff. She'll get her stuff. And we'll go our separate ways with a minimum of fuss.

All wishful thinking on my part, I assure you. I don't see us breaking up very easily, IF we break up at all. Becky has never experienced love this deeply, which means that the end, if it comes, will be exceptionally painful. On my end, I simply can't keep up this quest for someone with which to spend the rest of my life. I've said it before, but it's becoming more of a reality for me. "This is it. Becky is the last woman I'll consider for marriage. After this, I think I'll simply be too broken to try again, physically and emotionally.

As for the marriage itself, it would be a hastily arranged civil ceremony. There was supposed to be time to decide if we'll go the route of eloping or having a more traditional ceremony. If we marry so we can be together while she's in school...Well, I still don't want to take that possibility away from her. So when she's done with school, there will remain the option to renew our vows under better circumstances, with friends and family on hand to share in the event.

No matter what, her mom and dad will be there. I promised her that, as well as making the same promise to her mother; "You will be there when your daughter is married." For those who don't know me well, I live by the statement, "A promise made is a promise kept."

And this means yet another promise is to be upheld: no kids until Becky's schooling is over. The whole idea behind all of our plans is that we, as a couple, mold to Becky's educational plans. Her education is to never mold to our plans. Children would only complicate matters, and we can't afford such a complication in ANY way. Not until she's done with school.

For the moment, this is all talk. Becky asked that I give her until the end of this week, and I immediately realized that that wouldn't be enough time to get much done. Amidst her search for housing, she is now to start asking, "Who's allowed to live with me?" Student aid might be against an engaged couple living together, but a husband and wife...? We shall see. And I extended her deadline, pushing it to 30 October. If she can't find proper housing by then, it'll be time to discuss a reorganization of our plans.

Maybe this is why I had that disturbing dream this morning. After discussing such serious matters as turning Becky into "Mrs. Meadows," my mind went running back to the first woman I ever asked to marry me. Then it couldn't decide which one it wanted, so my brain tried to keep both. (My psyche is a polygamist!)

I wouldn't mind a little feedback on the whole marriage idea. Becky and I are a wee bit too close to it all to see it from every angle. You might end up repeating things that are already in my head, and that didn't make it into this post, but I don't care. Fresh minds and ideas are always welcomed to the ongoing drama that is my life.

But know this...If I marry Becky so we can be together, it is NOT for convenience's sake. It's not JUST so we can be together. It's because I love her tremendously, and THAT'S why I want to be with her. =)


"Blue" said...

Honestly, I don't think you're so much being a philanderer in your dreams. I mean... what's dreamed is from the subconscious, but it could be things you do NOT want to do, not necessarily things that you DO. They may be memories from before, and contrasting them with memories from now... in short, who knows what insanity the brain can get up to while doing "maintenance" work in the tangled depths of memories.

As for marriage... I think you shouldn't rush. How long have you guys known each other? I'm not much good at counting time. At the same time, you don't want to take it TOO slowly, either. Neither of you are getting younger! And if you're thinking of children, then there's a window for that, and past that, well, it's risky at best. Of course, I don't really know anything about all this, but it's jsut my opinion.

Rob Meadows said...

Becky and I have known each other for about a year and a half, and dating since 13 May. We're DESPERATELY trying to slow down, but circumstances may demand we get hitched on short notice. Not what we planned at all, but...

Well, it turns out it may have more to do with landlord preference than policy, so the spontaneous marriage may well be out of the picture.

As for kids...Keep in mind that I'm 43 and Becky is 25. Her "window" is "wide open." (G-d, that sounds so dirty.)

Thanks for the input. =)

Zeb The Troll said...

Rob, let me start by saying that I'm very happy for the both of you. In that vein, I want to continue to be very happy for the both of you and I fear that this type of move may be complicating matters unnecessarily.

I see what you want to do. You want to make this no longer a long distance relationship, because frankly, those suck and are fraught with their own problems. I approve of this.

I must say, though, that I cannot in good conscience endorse a hasty wedding in order to be able to close that geographical gap. There are always other solutions. You say yourself that you don't want to be rushing things like this, so don't. Take the time that the two of you need. If she needs to live for a few months without you so that she can figure out a better living arrangement that doesn't require this drastic step, it won't be the end of the world.

Let me throw a voice of experience on top of this to reinforce my gut feelings about the whole thing.

I spent ten years in the US Army (you probably remember this, but in case any of your adoring fans don't...). Seven of those were as a non-commissioned officer, a sergeant. In that time, I've known a LOT of people in various circumstances that meet someone, fall in love, and then get orders to move to some faraway place. Many times, in order to give the relationship a chance, or because they believe things about the relationship that have not yet been tested, they hastily marry so that the local girl/guy can move to the distant land with them on the government's dime.

I don't have hard statistics on this, but in my experience, seven out of ten of them fail within the first two years of the marriage. A divorce is always worse than a breakup, both emotionally and financially. In my opinion, the risks are not worth the possible rewards.

If you haven’t done so yet, though, I’d also strongly recommend posing this question to the RW&A thread for input from a wider array of people and experiences.