Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I had to get it out of the way

My time with Becky is mostly spent with her doing one thing on her computer while I do something else on mine. It's all very domestic. The idea that we could or would make love at every possible moment just isn't a reality. I'm still hanging on to a cough from that demonic cold, and we're never truly alone here in KS. I may have mentioned it way back in May, but my room is right next to the bathroom. This offers many opportunities for romantic, tender moments to be interrupted by the sound of someone peeing in the next room. Joy.

Lately, I been having a HUGE problem with my right foot. My level of pain on a 1 to 10 scale sits perpetually at 7, meaning that I'm always experiencing great discomfort. This is with my pain meds working at the height of their effectiveness. The pain I'm feeling is very similar to when I had an issue way back when, and some idiot ER doctor sliced open my foot without taking proper precautions for a diabetic. The end result was osteomyelitis. I should have sued him into nonexistence, but I had other things on my mind at the time. My current discomfort is probably a result of Charcot's foot.

So here I am, perpetually in pain, and it occurs to me that this is my life. This is how things will be for the remainder of my life. I mean, I'm in so much pain that I've occasionally contemplated having the danged foot removed. Thankfully, this is not an accepted treatment by most medical practitioners. Pain = misery. Thus, I am miserable, and this is going to be a regular thing for me.

I crawled into bed last night for a brief cuddling session, and I found myself facing this awful reality. I don't think I'll EVER be 100% happy. Not even with the greatest love in my life to date. While holding my sweet, beautiful Becky close, I said something along these lines: "Baby, we're reaching a point where there's going to be no backing out. We've been ridiculously happy, and I've been going with the flow. Until now, there's always been an easy out. If it's not working, you could always call it quits. But we're moving into new ground, where you leaving would be more devastating than I could possibly realize right now. So in a way, this is your final opportunity to escape. After this, it's going to be that much more difficult on every level."

I had to do it. I had to get it out of the way. Some part of me doesn't think it's fair to have Becky wrap herself up in the life of a guy who's ALWAYS going to need extensive medical care. She might be working on becoming a nurse, but to have to take care of me is not something she needs to sign up for. And although we're engaged, I felt the need to offer her one last opportunity to escape without any repercussions.

Well, I didn't quite notice it, but Becky lay in my arms, silently crying at the idea of losing me. She wants me in her life, preferably as her husband. She doesn't want to lose me under ANY circumstances.

And that, my friends, leaves me feeling much better. Emotionally, anyway. Since we started becoming romantically involved, I've made offer after offer for Becky to leave, and she's refused. Here, then, was the last "easy way out" I could offer, and she remains adamant about keeping me in her life.

I don't know how I got so lucky. How I managed to find someone who actually doesn't mind that I'm a walking, talking disaster area is beyond me. And I think it's time to stop worrying "WHEN" it's going to end and contemplate how it's going to work out into a genuine "happily ever after."

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