Saturday, November 20, 2010

The LEGO Brain

I wish my brain was made of LEGO. The pieces should actually do something other than sit there being colorful. Blocks of different shapes and colors would have different functions. I'd just pop my brain out, replace a few blocks, and put the thing back where I found it. Life, at least in its psychological aspects, would be fixed in some way.

Instead, I have to deal with things like last night and this morning, where I went to sleep some time around 4:00 AM and woke around 7:30 AM. I'm tired. I want sleep. No, apparently my brain wants to focus on things that are fairly meaningless.

Like the fact that I bought the first season of "Dexter" on a whim. I'd read up on it, thought it interesting, bought it, and devoured all 12 episodes in about a week. Now I want the second season, and I can't afford it just yet. I only have $120 to get me to the 3rd of next month, and blowing $30 on a DVD set isn't the smartest use for my money.

There's also the fact that I may or may not owe Ray's mom around $50. This is because, beyond my understanding, the most common asthma medication on the market is apparently NOT covered by my insurance. The again, it might be covered, and the pharmacy where that prescription is remains chock full of inept employees.

Oh, the adventures I had a few days ago, trying to pick up five refills at the pharmacy. The cashier is someone who should NOT be working with anything more complex than stocking shelves. She's nice enough, but her grasp of English is tentative at best, and working the register at the pharmacy is far too complicated a task. So when I arrived and asked if my meds were ready, she said they would be shortly. The screen may have said they'd be ready in 15 minutes, but that note was put there at 1:00 PM. Instead, she tells me they need a little more time...despite my calling for the refills five and a half hours before hand. Really...did they work on prescriptions at a rate of one per hour? What's more, they were overcharging me, which was all kinds of wrong.

Because of the cashiers ineptitude, the line that was only one person behind me stretch into the aisle with five people trying to be patient, but failing. I was so fed up that I said, rather loudly, "I'll send someone to pick them up tomorrow. But this is absurd, telling me that meds I called in over five hours ago still aren't ready. The line behind me shouldn't have had time to form. I should have been in and out. And then to overcharge me? Maybe I should move my prescriptions to a pharmacy where they know what they're doing."

Well, Ray's mom did me the favor of going to get my prescriptions the next day, and they still managed to overcharge me. It's the most common asthma medication around, and I use it to deal with mold induced asthma. That usually means that one inhaler will last me three or more months. How, pray tell, is this not covered? And if it's not covered, why was I not called and informed of this? And why, after telling Ray's mom that my prescriptions should all cost $3.30 at the most, did she pay for it?

Garbage like this preys on my fractured psyche, and last night I took my evening dose of 0.5 mg. of Xanax to get to sleep. It wasn't working, so I took another 0.25 mg. I finally drifted off somewhere around 4:00 AM, only to have my blood sugar drop around 7:30 AM. I treated it, thought, I should go back to sleep now...and utterly failed in even lying down.

I should also note that yesterday was a bad day, in that I just didn't feel good. It felt as though I was coming down with something. Today, the only thing bothering me is a bit of pain along the outer region of my right auricular canal. It's the kind of pain that comes from something being wrong with the skin, and not an ear infection.

And then there's Becky, my sweet, beautiful beloved, whom I can hardly wait to see again. I bought my bus ticket to head there on 17 Dec. A round trip ticket would have cost me $300, so I'm buying them one at a time. I'll purchase my return ticket at the start of next month, as I'll still be able to get the reduced "advanced purchase" price at that time. (I'll be leaving PA on 2 January.) Mind you, the priced of these tickets is $163 each. I'd save money if I bought a round trip ticket, but I don't have $300 to spend all at once. So I'm doing it this way.

Here's the thing, though...Becky has been playfully busting my chops about moving to PA during the holiday season. Her efforts have been having an effect on me, due to other aspects of my life...

Things have been a tad bit tense here every now and again, causing Cody and I to trade irritated words. (Not really angry when they're traded...but I do tend to get quite upset in the aftermath.) Like many relationships forged while living under the same roof, the issue that creates the grief is money. During those hours after we trade irritated words, I start fighting the urge to start shouting, packing my things, and leaving...without anywhere to go on such short notice. Becky's would be the first place to run, but she's over 1,000 miles away.

Becky is also good for me in general. Since we started our relationship, I've been happier. (It was that happiness that helped me to fall off my meds. The ensuing UNhappiness is a reminder that I have a genuine illness.) And what she did to/for me earlier this month with NaNoWriMo...? 50,000 words in about 12 days. She's never worn such an outfit, but she makes a great cheerleader! That kind of thing is GOOD for me.

Her and I being apart is a little rough. We didn't hang all over one another when we were together, which was good. At the same time, just having her near provided great contentment. One would think that the 43-year-old guy with the 25-year-old girlfriend would just want to "jump her bones" at every opportunity, but I'm kind of past that "living for lust" stage of life. I can get bored when we're talking on Skype, but I'm never bored when she's around. So that's one more reason to move sooner.

But then there are aspects against my moving early. Becky just started a new job. To have to ask for a week off so soon so that she can drive to KS and move me to PA, which is the plan, would probably look bad to her employer. They might say it's okay, but they'll probably always remember how she got the job and then immediately asked for an extended amount of time off.

Living alone for November and half of December is NOT the experience of living along that I wanted her to have. Already, it's having an effect, in that she's started writing about some things from her past that have been weighing on her mind. It's poisonous stuff, and it needs to come out. If I move there, I'm afraid that I'll somehow manage to prevent such vents from even forming.

And then there was her mother, 'Nita, who spoke to Becky about a week ago, stating that she had the feeling I was going to visit in December and never leave. I called her to get her opinion on a permanent move, and she stated that we were adults and could do what we wanted. I said, "True, but she's your daughter, and you should at least have the ability to share your opinions on the big changes in her life." She appreciated that, but still said it was our choice...all the while sounding like she loathed the idea. 'Nita is afraid I'll be a distraction, or that Becky and I will produce an unscheduled accident. (In the form of a child we should ultimately name "Oops.")

This last is a big one for me. Without saying the words, my move would also be breaking a promise. It was talked about enough to practically solidify it as a vow to have Becky live on her own for some time. Even though I never said "I promise" at any time, it feels like I did. To move in December would then make me feel as though I was BREAKING that unspoken promise. I pride myself on keeping my word, and this would be a major blow to me severely deflated ego.

In the end, I've decided that there will be no move in December. I still have some loose ends to work on here, like a pending diagnosis on my neck, and I need an MRI of my foot. I should also take the time to gather copies of my medical records so that I can find doctor's easily once I reach PA.

*sigh* So much time and so little to do. Or something like that.

The cherry sitting atop this craptastic sundae is adjusting to my psych meds. They take WEEKS to start doing their job properly. I spend a lot of my time seeking distractions so that I'm not drawn into thoughts that are perpetually tainted by emotional darkness. Even the very best in my life, such as my overall great housemates, who truly care about me, and my beloved Becky, becomes a problem when my mind is in this state.

A brain made of LEGO would be easily fixed. Remove the pieces that make it a difficult thing to deal with and snap in colorful, working blocks.

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