Thursday, April 14, 2011

Can't take me anywhere

So...Becky's grandpa and mom have birthdays coming up this weekend. She was going to go to Walmart to get cards and gifts alone, but I had an idea to cope with my right ankle so that I could go along. Y'see, I still have the CAM Walker that I was given years ago. It has a few more straps than the one I had before it, so it's that much more effective at isolating the movement of my foot. Lo and behold, once it was on, my ankle was no longer cracking and grinding.

Off we went to Walmart to shop for various things. And, as is my habit when it comes to dealing with the stress brought on from my medical woes, I turned into Captain Comedy.

To start with, I got one of the motorized carts to get around the store. The CAM walker might be helpful, but my knees are still tender from the surgeries not long ago. So I got in the cart, and I immediately commented how I wanted to race a senior citizen that I saw in a wheelchair near to us. "Come on, old man. I'll smoke you in this thing!"

Then there were the two women shopping in the same aisle that we were in. It's odd how THEY apologized to me for almost colliding, when I was the one talking up the most space. Amidst the banter that had all of the ladies laughing, including the one I love, one crossed my mind that I wasn't able to get out, "Oh, don't worry. I got the accidental death and dismemberment insurance on this thing when I took it out."

Becky almost panicked when I started backing up and almost took out a Harry Potter display. Not sure what she was worried about. A good "repairo" would have taken care of said display.

On our way to the registers, a brother and sister combo were chasing one another around the store with no regard for their surroundings. The younger of the two, the boy, almost made a grate-shaped impression on his face from the bin attached to the front of the cart I was driving. As his mother had been trying to get them to calm down beforehand. I went into "guardian mode" and told him he could've gotten seriously hurt, as his face was low enough to have hit his face against the cart. The mother thanked me for giving that little talk to him...although I skipped the part where I was tempted to run the kids down to help her stop them from running around like lunatics.

I wasn't done, even after we left Walmart. We decided to treat ourselves to some Subway sandwiches for dinner, rather than have to cook when we got home. They had a huge banner over the window announcing that we could get any sandwich for $5 after 4:00 PM. It was 3:50 when we entered the store. I asked the girl at the register if we really had to wait until 4:00, hoping that the huge boot covering the lower portion of my right leg would inspire a break in policy, but she said we had to wait. I turned to Becky and made an announcement of my own: "Honey, we have to wait. So we hate her, now," indicating the cashier.

More laughs all around.

During the wait, I suggested to Becky that we might be able to speed things along if we stood inside and stared at the cashier. If she asked why we were staring, I would have said, "Oh, nothing, really. We were just thinking how good you'd look locked in our basement." Not sure why, but Becky seems to think the cashier would've called the cops.

Upon our return, we were stuck in line behind a mother and her kids. Mind you, she only had one son in her arms when we got there, but another boy joined her in short order. He was staring at me because of the CAM walker, so I screwed up my eyes and said in a silly voice, "Yeeees? Can I help you?" The boy immediately leaned into his mother, his bold staring turning into shyness. His mother clarified that I was being silly, which was spot on.

When we got into the car, I said, "You can't take me anywhere."

"No, I can't, my crazy-ass man," she said.

'Well, think about how much fun Shawn was when you'd go anywhere with him. Did you even go out with him?"

"We'd go food shopping together," she said.

"Yeah...but even shopping is more fun with me," I countered.

"That's for sure...crazy-ass man."

That's been her latest nickname for me. I usually have two responses for it when I'm up to physical humor. The first is to shake my butt chaotically, making it clear that I do, indeed, have a case of "crazy-ass." The other response is to grab her butt, as I'm operating under the assumption that she believes me to be a crazy ass-man. =P

I may be more of a hermit most of the time, and I'm certainly down a great deal about my physical woes, but when it comes to shooting for the laugh, I'm not above making a fool out of myself in public.

Be well, all, DFTBA, and remember..."The catnip danced bananas under the full tape recorder!" o.O

Note: This post doesn't come close to the amount of kidding around that I did. I was joking around about almost everything we saw and did. The above are just a few examples.

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