Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Goodnight, Rosebud

I thought I'd been cultivating good relationships online. I mean, I have an exceptionally difficult time getting out to make "real" friends, so I try to make things work electronically. Mind you, I don't like it that much. I'd rather see and hear friends than perpetually read only their words, but my health doesn't permit me to do a whole lot socially.

Over the last few years, I lost a good friend to life. Mush became far too busy for s friend like me. When last I spoke with him, it was to ask for help to get to my dying brother, and he sounded like he'd gotten remarried to his job, instead of staying married to his wife. I didn't think asking for financial aid to get to my brother was too much of a stretch, what with him buying a $1,000,000 home not too long before. But Mush never even seemed to care enough to followup to find out if Stu was dead or alive. The whole situation helped put our friendship into perspective, and it wasn't good.

Last night, I wrote to my friend Julie. I could tell something was wrong. What I'd see was a lot of status updates throughout the day on Facebook, with little direct contact with me. I'd reply to some of what she'd say in the hopes of earning a laugh...but found out that she was taking mild offense or was taken aback by the things I'd say. That was never my intent with anything said on FB, but it would seem that that's what's happening.

And so it would seem that I am once again losing a good friend to life, which, I suppose, is far better to losing them to death. Her life is far to hectic to have someone as needy as myself in it. She states that I seem impatient and unwilling to understand. That's untrue, but explaining that would be difficult. Because it comes out as, "I know you don't have time to explain things to me, but you need to take time to explain things to me." That just doesn't work. She really doesn't have time to explain anything to me, and I certainly won't demand it. Not anymore, anyway. That's what it seems I've been doing, and that has yet to work.

And so it is "Goodnight, Rosebud" on another friendship. Oh, Julie will remain on my friends list, but my communication with her will be minimal at best. She doesn't need another burden to carry, and I'm quite the load. (Last weigh-in at the doc still echos through my mind...reaching 200 lbs. shortly, I'm sure.) As I told her in the reply to my private message, "I'd rather have a good relationship with you with more silence than a bad one with my foot hanging out of my mouth at all times."

I just wish "Life is what happens while you're making other plans" was a bit more inaccurate at times. =(

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