Saturday, June 18, 2011

It's all routine

"Skywalker something something something dark side. Something something something complete!" Ummm...That is, Skywalker said mentioned that he'd heard my "dead in 10 years" theory before, and I can't help but wonder if perhaps I hadn't mentioned it before. The concept is a bit paranoid, if not outright weird, so I thought I'd been keeping it to myself. Had I actually spoken of it to someone else before Becky? If so, it should be noted that while I love my friends, I don't call any of them "my love."

But it's a routine of mine, even if it's one that only exists inside my head most of the time. And as I thought about that, I realized I have a lot of things in my conversational style that are routine, and I thought I'd share some of them.

In reference to my father getting remarried at the ripe age of 69: "G-d bless Dad. G-d bless Viagra."

When trying to get underway: "I have things to see and people to do." (If you missed it, go back and read that one more carefully.)

If someone ever tells calls me "one STRANGE individual," I screw up my face and reply, "No. I'm TWO strange individuals."

On the topic of being a perpetual klutz: "I've been alive for (insert number of current age) years and I still haven't learned I can't fall up."

To comment on the kind of luck that rules my life: "One day, I'm going to step outside, look to the sky, and ask G-d to give me a break. That's probably when I'll see a plane falling nose-first right at me."

For those times when I've crossed a line in conversation, and want to try to break up the tension with humor: "Looks like my love of sole food has caught up to me." (Get it? Foot in mouth...SOLE food?) There's also the ever-popular: "Open mouth, insert food, chew vigorously." Finally, because it's still entirely too common in my life, I'll sometimes say, "Oh, great. Looks like I've put my foot in my mouth up to the knee."

I read it somewhere, and it became the silliest pickup line I ever used: "Hey, baby. What's say you and I go back to my place...I'll turn the lights down low and put on some soft, romantic music...I'll break out a bottle of expensive wine as we settle down in front of the fireplace...And then I'll put on my Spider-Man pajamas and we'll do things I'm going to tell my friends we did anyway!" There was also the much shorter, "Excuse me, but would a marriage proposal be too forward?" (Neither ever worked.)

When my klutziness hits while in a store, and I manage to knock over some merchandise...or a sign...or something else that basically belongs to the store, I'll say, "Great. I broke (name of establishment)."

If someone should happen to fail or forget to handle one task or another, my first response is, "You're fired." (Becky hears this one a lot.)

Having been reared Jewish always makes for some good humor, and when I'm feigning a threat of a lawsuit: "Hey, I'm Jewish. I can pull a lawyer from the aether!"

Troublesome and/or rambunctious children have been receiving the same line to parents for some time. "Two words of advice for you: TRANQUILIZER DART!" (I eventually expanded such a concept, but Becky is against my campaign of "Booze for Babies." No idea why. =P )

When asked what I'd want for whatever gift-giving occasion is coming up, I immediately reply in a childish voice, "I want a pony!"

Finally, there's one that comes from a bit of writing I did ages ago. I'm not sharing it's full origin, as that would have the sentence make sense in that context. Simply put, it was a protagonist's reaction to a rather horrific sight. I now use it whenever a problem seems to be looming. "It could've been worse...Could've been a rhino."

I'm sure there are more, but I kind of needed to break up my recent "doom and gloom" posts with something lighter.

Be well, and DFTBA!

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