...until people are done slinging stones at one another.
BEFORE I GO FURTHER: I want people to READ what I'm writing. Don't read between the lines. Don't get caught up in the cyclical wind of the BS. Pay careful attention to what I'm saying, okay?
Many of my recent posts have been chock full of upset, and I believe it was my right to be so. I'd managed to become the center of a crap-storm, which is nothing like the oddly peaceful eye of a hurricane. (Then again, I've never been at the eye of a hurricane, so what the hell do I know?) I'm trying to induce a bit of reasoning amidst the emotions I'm suffering, but it's very hard considering that I am fighting an emotional illness kicked up to its maximum.
Psycho Lass did NOT make me leave. Not her alone. I've said this several times, yet she alone is carrying the blame. The focus has been on her as the culprit because she was the last to bring that special brand of hurt to me. Let me make this as clear as possible: SHE WAS THE LAST PERSON TO HURT ME, AND THEREFORE BECAME THE PERSON TO PUSH ME OVER THE "LEAVING" EDGE! It could have been anyone, but she was the lucky prize winner. There seems to be a great deal of dislike for her across the internet, which makes it that much easier to demonize her. Fine. Let all other things, like her hatred for the denizens of the Playground, or her boasting about being a slut and then crying "rape" fuel your rage. But my leaving was my choice, and not something she did. Okay? Are we clear?
When I read that "more than one of my moderators suggested your instant banning," I ran to see if those whom I called "friend" had been behind it. The reactions were astonishing. Two had no idea what I was talking about. Another simply said that they were for my infraction, but not my banning, (and I suspect that one had no idea what I was talking about, either). I get the feeling that "more than one" translated to "one," and I believe Psycho Lass has his winky wrapped around her little finger. (*sigh* And I used to think he was so awesome.)
Prior to judgment falling down on me, I contacted a mod and asked that the suspected mod heading up the investigation be recused from it. I made sure to avoid asking anyone whom I call friend, as that would be unfair. In turn, I was assured by the mod I wrote to that it would be a fair investigation.
Uh huh. Sure.
In a criminal investigation, there's a little something called "intent" that investigators look at. I don't think anyone looked at my intentions. If they had, banning wouldn't have become part of any conversation at all. No one came to ask me a thing. Also ignored was the second to last and last PM sent to Psycho Lass. The first told her to stop talking to me (amidst a list of things she should or shouldn't have done). The last to her to stop talking to me and added the word "thanks" to the end. I'm willing to lay odds that my request she stop talking to me was ignored, but I'll never know.
You see, even though some mods are my friends, they can't up and tell me what went on behind the scenes. It'd be nice so that I, and my other friends, could have specific targets to blame, (and we sure love our targets, don't we?), but the mods can't say anything to me. SO STOP BLAMING ALL OF THE MODS! Please?
Rich...? Him, you can blame. I mean, that PM was sent directly from him and not the moderation staff. The site owner felt it necessary to send me a PM to put me in my place. I mean, wow...I must be some kind of criminal mastermind for that to happen. And the mere mention of a criminal investigation...? THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT WHAT WAS SAID. Of course, to a guy certified with a couple of mental illnesses, that's almost as good as making the threat. I probably won't be feeling safe in my home until around some time in November. And that he felt the need to be candid...? There was no need for it. In fact, following what he said in his PM to me about cyberbullying, Rich should be receiving an infraction. I mean, he was "using [his] community influence to belittle, attack, or otherwise ostracize a given user." And believe me, I certainly felt belittled. Hypocrite much?
Oh...wait. I just reread the new rules about cyberbullying. In a most indirect way, I HAVE been threatened. "Should a poster engage in [this] behavior to the level that would meet legal definitions of harassment, the offense will be issued as a Criminal Activity infraction (which will immediately ban them from this site) and we will forward our findings to the relevant law enforcement authorities." It may be an indirect threat after the fact, but it DEFINITELY feels like a threat now. (It's nice to not feel safe in my home. No, really...it is.) And the added bit about using information from other sites...? I didn't know Rich had taken ownership of the internet.
Great. Now I don't feel safe even posting on my blog. Read this while you can, as it may well get deleted...or used in my prosecution. Y'know...because being upset is now a crime.
About being upset that the Depression Thread is now eternally closed...I'm not going to win any friends with this one, but now that we all see the damage a psychological thread can do, why are the LGBTA and RWA threads still open? Have they somehow been emotionally disconnected from their topics? What's fair is fair, and those threads are just asking to become the same crap storm the Depression Thread turned into. The indignation as to what's fair and what isn't is oddly lopsided. I really do appreciate the support I've received, but, my friends, that which is right or wrong is right or wrong in all directions, not just one.
As to the topic of demonizing me...HOW MANY TIMES MUST I ADMIT THAT I INADVERTENTLY DID WRONG AND APOLOGIZE FOR IT? There was a pair of posts that I deleted in the hopes of misdirecting people from Psycho Lass. In one of them, I TRIED to joke that Psycho Lass "wasn't the boss of me." I even had one of those goofy emoticons next to it. I believe this was what one "friend" called "pretty mean." Said "friend" went on to call me "childish." Posted publicly on Facebook, was there the idea that I wouldn't see this and also NOT be hurt by it? And this comment was made after a call to that friend, in which they said they understood my side of things, and that we were "still cool."
That's a minus one on my friends list on FB, I guess.
I would like to remind my friends of the less than secret fact that I suffer from a nasty mental illness. It was officially called "severe recurring depression." I suppose it's about as close to being bipolar without have some kind of regular cycle. This whole thing has kicked my depression into overdrive, and I've had to make repeated promises to Becky that I will not be killing myself in the near future...
...but I'll be damned if I don't WANT to. This is my illness talking, folks, and not the somewhat balanced Rob you all know and love. This spectacular crap storm has me thinking that if I weren't alive, there would be a slew of people better off, including Psycho Lass. I didn't intend to hurt her, and it's possible that her penchant for drama was the true cause of her rage, but it remains possible that she really was hurt by my actions. And my nature is to make a perpetual attempt to be a nice guy. ATTEMPT being a key word there. I sometimes slip up, as humans will do. And every time I fail to meet my own standards of what a good human being is, I want to throw in the towel and be done with this entire "life" thing.
And believe me when I tell you that I have the means to do it fairly swiftly and painlessly. Morphine, oxycodone, Xanax, Valium, Fentanyl...I have enough pharmacological stuff here to put an elephant down. I could do it...
...BUT I WON'T! Why? Because I live by the mantra that "a promise made is a promise kept." Like the promise I made to Psycho Lass. I told her that I wouldn't intentionally hurt her. In my eyes, I kept that promise, even though she believes I purposely set out to destroy her. It was NEVER my intention to hurt her. But this is about why I'm not hiding somewhere, crafting an eternal goodbye...and that's because I promised Becky that I wouldn't.
So here I am, stuck in this high strung state of emotion. And what I really want most is to see the dust settle, and all of this fall behind EVERYONE. This event has become the topic of conversation entirely too much of late. It's done. Let it stay done. Because if it keeps going, promise or no promise, my body will self-destruct on its own.