Monday, August 15, 2011

Thrown under the bus

Is this the new catch phrase for when someone screws up? It must be, because I screwed up, and have been informed by several people that I threw "her" under the bus. I must say, if it's supposed to be an intentional act, then I'm reaching the point where I'd like to throw her under a long line of industrial tractors. Y'know...the kind with tracks instead of tires. In fact, I could line a few people up for the event. "Anonymous," with his/her deleted comment. Just stand behind Psycho Lass, and try to ignore her screams, okay?

So, let's cover what people are failing to notice, or are blatantly ignoring, shall we?

We'll start with my reason for leaving. Pay attention, kids, because I'm getting a little tired of repeating myself. I HAVE BEEN CONTEMPLATING LEAVING FOR WEEKS. Did you all get that? Weeks. My leaving did not happen because of ONE particular idiot, but several callus people who had either chosen to ignore me completely or told me in oh so many words to go screw. Were those their exact words? No. Was that their sentiment? Whether or not it was, that's what I got out of it. And I was tired of getting hurt.

That being said, THIS PARTICULAR IDIOT JUST WANTED ATTENTION, AND THAT WAS "FORBIDDEN." Just go look at the rules on the DT. Oh, that's right. They're not there. After years of crafting those damn things for people to read and abide by, no one was actually paying attention to them. It was pure ego to think anyone would listen to little old me, and my ego is all but nonexistent. So I went back and erased them and any post pertaining to me and my physical/mental health. (Hence the DT being locked up. Oops. My bad.)

But back to the now-missing rule 9a...It said, "This is the Depression Thread, not the 'Give Me Attention Thread.' Extreme loneliness and isolationism is a symptom of mental illness, and we'll try to help. But if you keep coming back with the same old song, admitting along the way that you've done nothing with the advice previously given, then it becomes clear you don't want help; you want people to notice you. That's easily done in other threads, where a simple post can garner you all the attention you could ever want. But if all you can do is make the same post using different words, go back and read all of the advice you were given the last time around and DO SOMETHING!"

This particular idiot had only really posted once before, (that I know of), and I'd offered my aid. I was politely rejected at that time. Okay. Fine. Then she came along with an epic rant that screamed of not only wanting attention, but of needing help so extreme that what I SHOULD have done was tell her to just go to a hospital. But I didn't. I tried to help instead, and pushed too hard to do so.

AND I ADMITTED THAT! Go look in the Goodbye Thread. "To the person who broke the camel's back...I'm sorry. I really was just insanely worried about you, with 'insanely' perhaps being the key word. Good intentions don't always equate to good deeds." What else would you like me to do? Mail that person my only good foot...the one which will probably be losing a toe in the near future? I could do that, but she wouldn't give me her address. Maybe she'll get a P.O. Box so I can ship it to her anonymously.

And this person for whom the select few are so upset...? Let's talk about her history. It's a history that has been surfacing since this stupidity reached epic levels. She joint GitP to essentially stalk a boy she liked. She flooded the You Thread with her pictures so everyone would say how pretty she was, and thereby get said boy's attention. (She actually told me that!) She then confessed in PMs to someone else that she hated all of us, and was actually ashamed of the fact that her would-be beau liked the site. She goes on later to practically boast about being a slut, (just check her posting history on 3 May 2011), and now she's upset?!? She wanted drama, and she got more than she could handle. Excuse me while I weep...for her friends, and everyone who even knows her name.

GitP has been GREAT to me, for the most part. I'm going to miss a lot of people there.

No, wait. That's right. All of my FRIENDS from GitP are listed on my Facebook page. Or they have my address. Or even my phone number!

Several of those friends have pointed out that I made a mistake, and accidentally identified her a little too clearly. Oops. When I wrote that goodbye, and once I'd connected my brain through the haze of meds I take regularly, I ran back and deleted anything identifying her. She's the dumbass standing up as tall as possible to shout, "Hey! It's me! I'm the one he's talking about!" But I'll dismiss such stupidity on her part as being a wanna-be 18-year-old alcoholic/prostitute.

In the Goodbye Thread, I MADE A LIST OF THINGS I'D DONE TO HELP PEOPLE, and those were incredibly stressful times. But I did it anyway, because I was the schmuck who bothered to care, despite the laundry list of problems that *I* have. AT NO TIME WAS I TRYING TO BE A MARTYR! I was trying to be a nice guy, and in this last instance I failed spectacularly.

SURPRISE! I'M A HUMAN BEING! I'm not a saint. I didn't ask for people to look up to me. If they did, I was always flattered. I tried to lead by example...and by doing so, I find that I'm now being judged because I'm selfishly leaving to avoid utter and complete self-destruction. You looked up to me? I'm not that tall. You think I'm a pillar of the community? I didn't ask to be part of whatever building you were designing in your head. You thought I was the nicest guy? Everyone has a dark side, and I simply tried desperately to keep it under wraps. It reeks of my biological mother, and I ABSOLUTELY, 100% HATE THAT PART OF MYSELF!

But do me a favor...as long as I'm feeling bad about what happened, and absolutely horrible about leaving a place I liked to go regularly, why don't you take a little time to judge and/or kick me while I'm down. Go ahead. I have plenty of time, what with me siting around in a cast to keep my foot from collapsing on me. And don't worry if my heart gets broken when my supposed FRIENDS engage in such smackdowns, because I have enough drugs here to put a literally stop to my heart from beating. Relief at last; no heartache.

Oh, but I wouldn't do that. Becky would resurrect me for the sake of killing me again if I committed suicide. Damn. And I was so looking forward to a nap that was longer than usual.

So...before anyone else decides to come at me with a harangue about how terrible a person I am, do me a favor and go look in the mirror. Say out loud your every imperfection, no matter how dark of a secret it is. Then try to look yourself in the eye and declare how bad I am. I know my flaws. Every last one of them. And yet I tried to be a good guy and help. I'm now sorry I did so.

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