Monday, October 10, 2011

The first rule of Facebook...

...is not that we don't talk about Facebook. It's that we don't play games on Facebook. Why? Because they suck your soul out of your body, into the computer, never to be seen again. Never ever!

But what do I do instead? I let Becky convince me to play Sim Social for the sake of her having yet another format with which to flirt with me. Because, you know...having me here, in person, is obviously not enough. =P

So I bring up the app, create a character as close to resembling me as possible...and discover that I may have done only too well. What makes me say this? Well, there are these things that your character demands you do often. Perhaps a little too often.

My character needs to use the bathroom what seems to be every other minute. This means that he's probably crossed the renal threshold, spilling sugar into his urine, and he's in desperate need of controlling his diabetes.

He then needs to wash his hands, almost as often as I do, meaning that he has just enough of a touch of OCD as I have.

Oh...and because his body isn't processing sugar properly, what with lacking insulin and all, he is constantly hungry, as well as needing to sleep quite often.

With illness starting to dominate his very existence, he feels a need to visit friends several times a day. Alas, none of them have a medical degree, and none of them have the insulin he so desperately needs.

Thus, my Sim character, literally exhausted because his body isn't being fueled properly, makes his way home...to play games on his computer or play guitar. (*I* can't play guitar, but my Sim can. How unfair is that?)

Who needs real life?

Every day is a struggle in the Sims world. In less than 24 hours of playing, my character has had to fix his computer, which, quite oddly, involved a wrench and a bit of kicking. Have you ever taken a wrench to YOUR computer in an effort to fix it? Unless its power source is a diesel engine, I doubt it. The very same methods of repair were made when it came to the toilet, which my character apparently stopped up. My amateur diagnosis is that he's eating too much fiber. I mean, the guy SITS down every time. So...either his diet needs addressing, or he has stock in toilet paper and is making his own small effort to drive the price up.

For reasons beyond my understanding, several frogs keep appearing on my property. To get rid of them, I apparently have to take a picture of them. A quick review of my Bible reveals that what's REALLY happening is that the Sims world is being visited by one of the ten plagues, and it should "let my people go." But, no...I'll snap a few shots first. This way, when yet another version of the Bible is written, I'll have photographic evidence of G-d's work.

I'm also bothered by the property on which my character resides. As far as I'm concerned, he should be renting. The jobless hack can't afford to own a place, that's for sure. That said, the property is a mess, and it's apparently HIS job to clear it of weeds, mushrooms, wild flowers, and these things that just have to be growing into tumbleweeds. It's also his job to water the trees and the flowers, the latter of which he was forced to plant. What my character SHOULD do, since he MUST be renting, is call the landlords and let them know that the property is in need of serious landscaping. Okay, okay...my character will handle the flowers; they were his doing. But trimming the grass - by hand, no less - shouldn't be his responsibility.

Being strong-armed into being a social character, I've been contemplating making my character the neighborhood slut. The game hands players a few NPCs to visit. I also have Becky, whom my character is dating. However, that being said, there's the opportunity to flirt with the NPCs as well once you've clicked on them. If he flirts with all of them, and eventually dates all of them, will my character end up with a bad reputation? If so, will my character be run out of town after becoming a home-wrecker? Or maybe, instead of seeking some kind of legitimate job, my character can become a male prostitute. Think Becky's Sim will become suspicious when my Sim starts asking for money after we've made whoopee?

The real fun comes when you ignore the game for an extended period. When you bring it back up, the character's numerous statuses go from green, to light green, to yellow, to red. Essentially, this means that he's in dire need of sleep, food, washing, bathroom relief, fun, and social activity. One would expect to find the Sim standing there, skeletal from lack of food, with a distended bladder, weeping in a corner, with circles of exhaustion around his eyes. How am I supposed to handle all of this on my own? MY SIM NEEDS HOSPITALIZATION!

Okay, okay...I'm being a goofball. Becky is probably going to read this and think she's done something horrible, "forcing" me to play. But I don't really mind. I mean, it gives me material for silly posts like this, right? =P

Be well, and DFTBA!

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