Wednesday, October 26, 2011

On second though, just kill me

It's been a rough couple of days. My right foot has been in so much pain that I feel as though I've been popping my painkillers like M-n-M's. I am careful not to exceed what I'm permitted in any one four-hour period, but it seems like I'm am taking ALL of the painkillers, instead of just taking what I need in a day.

How bad is it? Some of it has been so bad that I have more than once seriously contemplated the removal of the foot altogether. And it's not 100% of the foot, but varying parts of it. The old break from my mid-20's. My ankle. The outside of my foot. and the second toe. My RIGHT second toe. Because losing the left one wasn't enough.

My right second toe has been "special" for some time now. It was developing into a hammertoe, and a podiatrist out in AZ decided to release the tendon underneath to stop it. The surgery worked. The toe healed. And it's been utterly useless ever since. The only time it moves is when it's being bent my something else. I'll curl the other toes, and that one only moves about a millimeter because the skin is pulling it that way.

Now it's one of the biggest problems on my foot. It's a nightmare. The toe, itself, feels like it's ON FIRE! No joke, I sat last night, cradling and caressing the toe besieged by utter agony, wondering if there was a way for me to just rip it off without things being made worse. Becky has an unused dissection kit. If I just got myself drunk enough, I could...

No, no. I've actually heard tales of diabetics who think that way and attempt a little home surgery. It's absurd, and yet I can now understand the kind of pain that would drive someone to do something like that. I contemplated calling my podiatrist and begging him to remove the damn thing in his office, but I don't think he'd perform an amputation because "it hurts A LOT!"

And yet Becky and I were able to make a Wal-crawl last night for some needed items, and many of my pains were reduced. My new shoes are truly amazing. And they SHOULD be. They are molded to fit my foot, and my foot alone, with every physical imperfection and alteration to my gait taken into account. Seriously...The mold told the manufacturer something about my left foot that the orthotics guy didn't even mention, and they added about an eighth of an inch to the sole to adjust for the way I stepped. And the brace on the right foot is designed to take about 30% of my weight off my foot. How it does that, I'm not sure, but I know my ankle feels better in the shoe.

Thank G-d insurance covers it. I'm going to keep a lookout for the bill, (if I even get one), just to see what it looks like, but my guess is that they cost around $1,500.

I don't think I'm helping myself emotionally, either. I've been such a whiny pain in the ass for so long, first being slapped into a cast and then having the toe amputated, followed by this growing hip pain...I just don't want to bother her non-stop with every ache, even if they are serious enough to make me view death and a "pain reliever." =( And that has crossed my mind, if only for a few seconds.

I just want to be done with this pain. I'm 44, not 84. Walking around like an old man...complaining like an old man...these things should not be a part of my life just yet.

I'm off to try and get some more rest. Be well, all, and DFTBA.

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