For the last few weeks, I've tried to start a few meaningful posts. Something other than, "Woe is me. I done gone and hurt myself again. Now I gots a pain in my one part and the other part, and I'm going to see another doctor about everything." I tried to discuss the division of government, and how our two-party system has become so divided that they can't even talk to one another, adding that whatever other parties out there are treated as though they don't exist. I then tried writing about my loss of faith, and how I feel somewhat adrift in the vast sea of religions...which also seems to be a great way of dividing humanity. And lest I forget, there were a few attempts at writing posts that were simply no one's business except mine and Becky's.
But you know what? I can't get the ideas out. Not in any sort of coherent fashion, that is. Why? Because of all the damnable PAIN I'm in! And being in pain...well, that always helps to write about being in pain. I'm almost at my wits end with it. And my popping pills isn't really helping as much as it once did.
Take the pain in my foot, for example. I was given lidocaine patches to help with it, as well as the mystery pain in my hip. Lidocaine, for those who don't know, is a local anesthetic. I can cut the patches to any size I feel necessary, and then apply them to the parts that hurt. I was told by both the pain specialist and the pharmacist that the medication would penetrate deep into the sites and help. They do, to a degree...but then I can't wear them all the time. It's 12 hours on, 12 hours off. During the 12 hours off, the pain slowly climbs back to its original level, and that, without any doubt in my mind, sucks.
It was also hit of miss with the placement of the patches. Mind you, these things are pretty big. I was tempted to simply take the whole thing and place it over my entire foot - the top of the foot, that is - and pray my foot would go numb. But by way experimentation, I found the spots where the patches seem to help most. One is directly over the arch of the foot, where I tend to experience the most of my pain. The other, quite oddly, is over the scar where the most work was done during the multiple nerve decompression years ago. Why that latter site gives me as much relief as it does is a bit of a mystery to me.
But I've also been placing these patches in an unexpected place: my right cheek, over the cheek bone. (The zygomatic arch, according to my beloved nursing student and fiancee.) Why? Because over the last week or so, I've developed a toothache. If you've never had a "good toothache," then you're missing out. The tooth aggravates a nerve, and that nerve gets so thoroughly pissed off that more than the tooth ends up hurting. In fact, at first I couldn't locate which tooth it was. It turns out it's the last tooth way in the back on the right side. But I feel it in that tooth...on all the teeth along that section of my mouth...along the joint of my jaw...and down my neck.
Thinking the tooth issue was only a rampant case of gingivitis, I started taking some penicillin I have in the house for infection emergencies. Trust me; a diabetic with basic antibiotics on hand can't go wrong by taking coverage doses until he/she can get into a doctor. Alas, the antibiotics haven't helped all that much. The tooth has got to go. So tomorrow, I will be seeking a dentist to pull the little bastard.
And so we are back at one of my seemingly favorite topics: pain. Excluding this post, there are 106 posts with "pain" as one of the tags. And you'd think that with all of the medications I take to address pain that I would have less of it to talk about. Instead, I seem to always have more.
This then becomes emotionally distressing. If I'm experiencing all of this pain now, how bad will it be in the years to come? And when these pains spread or become more intense, how will I be able to address them when my body has become dulled to the effects of medications?
Becky and I had one of our chats last night. It was about us, and whatever difficulties we're facing at this moment. There are some issues that we have individually, and I asked about how we can tackle them TOGETHER. This is not anything to which she's accustomed. Much of her life has been spent with someone - almost anyone - being in opposition to her goals. She has a hard time talking about anything existing in a negative light because she feels she's going to be reprimanded, or put down, or be dissuaded from pursuing any one of her goals. She's unaccustomed to someone like me who comes along as speaks openly about the problem, and then wanted her cooperation to bring about a solution. She more accustomed to giving up.
When it comes to me and my medical issues, Becky wants to help me the way I want to help her. But there are no specific actions that can be taken to resolve my problems. And she's left to feel helpless as she sees me suffering. For that, I feel like my falling in love with her, and her falling in love with me, is a disservice. I keep having visions of a future filled with her having to care for her husband, as well as her kids. And my thoughts on the matter are that she should have done better, and should do better.
Now look at what I've gone and done. I've given her reason to reprimand me. =P
The fact is that because we're in love, we feel strongly about wanting to help one another, and to build a future TOGETHER. So the most I can hope for is that she goes ahead and gets her nursing degree, and then she can tend to all my aches and pains in as professional a manner as possible. I can handle a subcutaneous shot. She'll be able to handle any IV or IM shots I might need.
So there you go, my love. One more point of inspiration to kick butt in school. Not that I want one of your goals to be taking care of your broken groom-to-be, but it certainly couldn't hurt...hurt more than usual, that is.