Sunday, December 4, 2011

Just this one

As should be well known, by now, I have lots of aches and pains. The ones coming from my hips have been curtailed to an extent by the removal of the cast; my hips are no longer at a perpetually odd angle, but still ache now and again because of the tissue reduction there. My ankle hurts because of the numerous microfractures in the talus and, because it's new, I can only assume it's the cold causing the pain to flare up.

But there is one pain that is slowly making me more and more insane as time goes by. It's somewhere between the very end of the 1st metatarsal, the medial cuneiform bone, and the intermediate cuneiform bone. Somewhere in there, and I'm not sure where, is an old break that I'm blaming for all this pain, as it doesn't seem to be a good fit with the Charcot arthropathy.

How'd I break a bone in the middle of my foot like that? I broke it...over a girl.

I've mentioned numerous times that Perlin and I broke up because she was cheating on me. From what I can tell, I haven't told that story in full. I probably still won't do that, as I'm only going to cover that event up to the break in my foot. So here goes...

When Perlin and I got together, she was dating someone else, but was flirting heavily with me. Flirting eventually led to much, MUCH more. She broke up with the other guy, started dating me, and all was well. Or so I thought. I had it in my head that I would be the one to change her cheating ways; I would treat her so well that she'd never want to run off with someone else.

In other words, I was a fool.

There was this guy at our community college whom she started spending more and more time with. I not only became extremely suspicious, but insanely jealous. There was a point where he and I were in the college quad, surrounded by many people, and I shouted threats at him so loudly that I could be heard inside the administration building on the third floor. (Yeah, I can be quite loud when I want to be.) I didn't mind Perlin having new friends, but I saw her getting entirely too close to this guy, and told her to stay away from him. That he would visit her at work was even more distressing.

One day, Perlin walked me to class. She gave me a kiss goodbye, and then left for work, as she had no other classes that day. As she walked off, I was about to enter the classroom, when something in my head told me to follow her instead. I did, all the way out to the parking lot...and into a loving embrace with the other guy.

I lost it. I mean, I was undiagnosed with any mental illness, and not medicated in any way, and I exploded with rage. When I become that angry, I don't hit people. I hit things. And while venting my rage, I kicked the door of the guy's car. The car door dented...and then popped right back out.

But my foot...things didn't work out so well for it. Because of the way in which I landed the blow on the car, the bones in the middle of my foot collided, and one of them chipped. The pain at the time was so bad that I went to my PCP of the time, and he took an in-office x-ray which revealed the break. Upon telling my father of the broken bone, my father insisted I see a specialist...because, you know, specialists know more. But when the orthopedic specialist took an x-ray, there was no break to be seen. I then had to run to my PCP, get the copies of the x-ray, and show them to the specialist, who "competently" scratched his head and said, "Hey, there IS a break!" (Genius.)

(Shortly after the break was discovered, and I was retelling the tale of how I broke it, many people wanted to know why I didn't beat the crap out of the guy with whom Perlin was cheating. My repeated answer was this: "The human foot can withstand a great deal of abuse. From what I understand, you can slowly run over a foot with a car, and while it'll hurt, it won't break. So imagine how much force I had to exert to break the bone that I did. No imagine if I'd kicked the guy Perlin was cheating with. If I'd kicked him, my foot would have gone THROUGH him, and I'd be in jail for manslaughter.")

This part of my life was a complete mess. My psyche was shattered by the illusion of love becoming undone. I made one of my more serious suicide attempts over the next few weeks. At one point, I went to shower while I was in the hospital, and they gave me a flimsy plastic bag to cover my cast. The cast became soaked, and was so uncomfortable that I eventually hacked it off at home using an EXTREMELY sharp knife. The bone that was broken only had a brief time to heal - only three or four weeks - and probably didn't heal properly.

Now, years later, it's haunting me as one of the most agonizing pains on Earth. Seriously, it feels like there is a jagged shard of glass that's been shoved in there. The pain is sharp and perpetual, and none of my pain meds seem to be cutting through it. Among other things, it's terribly distracting, and brings about a fear in me of standing and walking. It's that bad, and the brace doesn't really help me with this particular pain.

I believe I'll be seeing the pain specialist in the near future. When I do, I'm going to inquire into the possibility of another nerve block. There has to be a solution to this pain without there being some kind of surgery or more narcotics. Or so I'm hoping.

And now that I've had another whine session, as well as another trip down "Amnesia Lane," I bid you all to be well, and DFTBA.

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