Thursday, December 29, 2011

Shadows in the Rain

Woke up in my clothes again this morning
I don't know exactly where I am
I should heed my doctor's warning
He does the best with me he can

Ah, but I wonder what he'd tell me to do with my right foot this morning. Gods above and below, but this HURTS! I awoke to a rather common call of nature, but immediately discovered the most uncommon pains - plural! - coming from the sole of my foot. It felt like it was being burned, broken, and stabbed all at once. I'm still feeling these terrible sensations. As a kind of bizarre bonus, it also feels wet, yet is completely dry.

The call of nature could wait a minute or two. I needed to get painkillers on board, and I took EVERYTHING! That is, I took a 60 mg. MS contin., 30 mg. of oxycodone, and 100 mg. of Ultram. (Took my antibiotics, too. I figured, "What the heck. I'm taking plenty of pills. Why not one more?") Then I headed for the restroom and found that applying pressure help to an extent.

He claims I suffer from delusions
I'm so confident I'm sane
Can't be no optical illusion
How can you explain
Shadows in the rain

I never quite understood that bit of human behavior. When a part of us hurts, we grab the spot as though our hands have some magical power over the unwanted feeling. It really doesn't do anything to make the painful site feel any better, yet I find myself grabbing spots of pain all the time. The best is trying to hang on to my hip when it aches. The pain is so deep that the Lidoderm patches I have can't penetrate it. But there I am, placing a hand on my upper thigh as though I were a paladin with "lay on hands." I've also noticed that "gripping the site" is part of the description on the pain scale. You've probably seen it at the doctor's office or in hospitals. It depicts a face going from a smile, (a rate of 1 on the 1 to 10 scale of pain) to a distressed face that's in tears, (that would be the 10 rating). With each face is a descriptive line, and somewhere along the way, "gripping the site" is included. It's instinct...but it seems to be a silly one.

I mean, I can understand why we might OCCASIONALLY hold a hurt area. When my cousin helped to break my wrist when I was five, I cradled the arm as a way of protecting it from further harm. Placing a firm hand over an open wound might also help to slow or stop excessive bleeding. But a heart attack victim isn't protecting or helping by putting a hand over his/her chest or left upper arm.

If you see us on the corner
We're just dancing in the rain
I tell my friends there when I see them
Outside my window pane
Shadows in the rain

About as equally distressing as the amount of pain I'm experiencing this morning is the fact that sleep has been an issue for Becky and I. We've been going to bed between 1:00 and 2:00 AM. I've tried making a case for going to sleep earlier, and pleaded with my beloved to take some Benadryl earlier in the evening, as it helps to knock her out. She argues back that she doesn't want to have to rely on pills to sleep; a nice idea, if she could put otherwise into practice. Personally, I MUST take something to help me sleep, and it's been that way since the attack at 2:30 AM on 2 July 2002. I can sleep during the day, (although I prefer darkness to help me get to the land of Nod). My subconscious probably thinks I'm safer during daylight hours. But when night comes...? If I'm not taking SOMETHING for sleep, then I'm not sleeping. Not for long, anyway.

So many pills taken each day; it makes me debate the strong possibility that I'm now addicted to many of my meds. I only ever take my "breakthrough" pain meds when required, but it seems to be required too often. Am I truly that broken? Or is it my brain that only THINKS I'm that broken? If I could only be pain-free without the meds, I'd stop taking them to see how my body reacts to doing without.

Woke up in my clothes again this morning
I don't know exactly where I am
I should heed my doctor's warning
He does the best with me he can

I'm constantly questioning my existence, especially since I moved in with Becky. And my cognizance of my psych issues makes me question my questioning. For example, I'll have the thought, I'm never going to get better; the most I can hope for is "status quo." If Becky won't have the presence of mind to leave me, then I should leave her to save her the future heartache. What follows such a thought are many, many questions. Do you really think running would save her? Why would you hurt her like that? Aren't you deserving of happiness of some kind? Are you basing this thought on facts, or is this the depression taking hold of you? If it's the depression, is there a problem with your meds? If so, what's the problem?

It goes on and on, doubting my every decision and action. I told myself when my father had his open-heart surgery in the mid-90s that I would try to live my life as regret-free as possible, yet I've managed to make plenty of rather large mistakes, leaving me with plenty of regrets along the way. (Mind you, my initial thought was, I'm going to live a regret-free life! Only later, when I realized that was impossible, did I add, "as possible.")

Woke up in my clothes again this morning
I don't know exactly where I am
I should heed my doctor's warning
He does the best with me he can

So what mistakes am I making now? How do I avoid those mistakes? CAN they be avoided? Always worrying...always questioning...always doubting myself...always feeling inferior. And yet, in the eyes of a few, the mere fact that I do any questioning of myself and my actions at all is reason enough to consider myself a better man. Like Socrates's wisdom of ignorance, "I am a wise man because I don't consider myself a wise man."

*sigh* I don't know. But at the moment, my pains have abated, and that means I can rest my restless mind and go do something else. Perhaps War needs to shed more demon blood on Darksiders. Yes...Yes, I think he does.

He claims I suffer from delusions
I'm so confident I'm sane
Can't be no optical illusion
How can you explain
Shadows in the rain

The lyrics mixed into this post have been "Shadows in the Rain," from Sting's Dream of the Blue Turtles. It's actually a much jazzier rerecording of a track from the third album of The Police, Zenyatta Mondatta. While I couldn't find any concrete facts about it, the song is rumored to be about tripping on heroine. I think of it as more of a questioning of personal mental status. Having heard both versions of the song, I find the jazz/jam version after Sting went solo to be superior. =P


Be well, and DFTBA!

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